Children's Hospital

Today we spent the morning at CHLA (Childrens hospital Los Angeles) having tests done on Jackson. We needed to be there at 8:30, and not knowing how traffic would be, we decided to leave at 6:30 and we'd get breakfast down there if we got there early. So Josh got here at about 6:20 and we had to wake j up to go. He wasn't happy about that at all. He especially wasn't happy that josh was here. I left josh with him to get him dressed and quickly finished getting ready and getting everything packed for the day (water for j, his milk for in the car, snacks, a few small toys) and then we headed down there. We got there early and by the time we parked and got checked in we still had about 45 to waste. CHLA is a really nice, amazing hospital. We found the cafe and got breakfast and coffee and then we let j play on the little playground outside.


They had lots of cute Christmas decorations all over!











Then we went to radiology and checked in there and waited. We got called and went and had the ultrasound done. We had time to waste after that so we let I play outside again. Then we went back for the renal scan. We got called back and they took us to a room and a nurse practitioner explained the procedure and what they were going to do. A nice girl came over and gave j some toys to play with and and iPad to watch cartoons or play games on. We changed him into a little gown.


Seeing my baby boy in a hospital gown was both heart wrenching and adorable at the same time.


Then some nurses came and tried to get his IV placed. They tried 3 times and just couldn't get it. It was heartbreaking to see J so upset. I sat in the bed with him in my lap while they tried and I just wanted to take him and run. He was so mad.
They let him take a little break and called in the "IV team". I guess they are the IV pros and come when the nurses have a hard time. They got it in the first attempt, thank God. Then we were taken to another room for the renal scan.


They had us lay him in the table and wrapped him up and put in the catheter which was horrible too. He freaked out and started screaming so she had a hard time getting it in all the way but she finally did and he calmed down. The same nice girl with the toys from earlier came and turned on a movie for him and he had to lay there for 1 hour for the test. He did so amazing and didn't cry or fuss or fight it at all. The last 10 mins or so he was so over it and done and was whining a little, but was still so good.





We could see the scans on the little screen and at one point it looked like the kidney on the left was getting smaller and smaller and the right one wasn't. I honestly have no idea what I was looking at or seeing but that's what I got from what I saw. So it looked like his right kidney wasn't working properly. We'll find out for sure next week when we have the follow up with the specialist. He fell asleep within minutes of being in the car on the way home. I put him in his bed when we got home and he went right to sleep. About 30 minutes later he woke up crying. Usually he gets up and goes to the door but he didn't, he just stayed laying in his bed crying. So I went in and sat next to his bed and rubbed his head and told him it was ok and he went back to sleep. He ended up taking a good long nap and when he did wake up and he went and laid by his door calling for me. As soon as I opened the door he stood up and said "Doctor" then grabbed his diaper/crotch and said "peepee" then lifted his shirt and pointed to his tummy and said "pictures" he's so stinkin smart. Telling me want happened. Poor baby. He just wanted to snuggle with me and watch cartoons.

His hand was bruised from failed IV attempts


He perked up and nana brought home cookies and a blaze monster truck for him so he was happy!

I made him chocolate chip pancakes for dinner and he ate them while sitting on the counter while I was making them!



He was exhausted from his busy day. He rarely lays on the couch and watches cartoons, but he laid like this for a complete cartoon.



He went to bed easily and I'm hoping he gets a good nights sleep. We have our follow up appointment next Wednesday and I can't wait to see what the dr says. To know what's going on and have a plan.

Jackson's follow up

We went and saw Jackson's pediatrician as soon as he finished the antibiotics and they got another urine sample and tested to make sure that the infection was gone. His dr said that it had been a rare and pretty bad infection. He said that now we needed to find out what caused it. He had us schedule an ultrasound and another test that involved contrast and xrays. We had the ultrasound done a week later and the xray test done a week after that. The ultrasound looked at his kidneys and the following morning his pedi called me and told me that his right kidney is enlarged and he has a cyst with debris in it on/in his right kidney. I pretty much spent the rest of the day crying...I just knew something was wrong but kept hoping it was a fluke, but bladder infections in boys his age are very rare and usually are caused by an underlying issue. He said it could possible be reflex (which I guess is the best cause scenario) but didn't really know anything about the what would cause the cyst.  He told me I needed to make an appointment with a pediatric urologist with Los Angeles children's hospital and gave the name and number of who I needed to call.  He said to still do the xray test and I would need to take copies of those 2 tests to the specialist. The following week we had the xray and contrast test done and it wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. The use a catheter to put the contrast liquid into his bladder and fill it and take xray images. The nurse that did it was amazing and was so good with him! And he did such a great job. His pedi called me the next day with the results and he said that it did show that he had reflex. They rate it on a scale of 5 being the most severe and his is a 1 on one side and a 3 on the other side. His pedi prescribed him preventative antibiotics until we see the specialist since reflex can cause another infection. We go to see the specialist this Wednesday. I'm anxious to see what the specialist says and what the next steps are.  He's doing great otherwise, being his normal crazy, silly, wild self. He takes the antibiotics once a day and does great with it. Doesn't seem to be in any pain or anything so that's good.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time time and I know I have a lot of catching up todo but I wanted to put this in writing right away.

Lately J had been a little whiny/fussy/needed. I figured he was teething...lots of drool, chewing on things...all the usual signs and I'm sure he is. Well today I had Mimi (my grandma) come and watch J so I could drive up to Carp to see a house that we were thinking about renting for a week next summer. I needed to be there at noon. So we went on our morning walk (with j in the stroller), he played at the park and we came home. He was a little more tired then he usually is but not too bad. At 10:30 Mimi got here and I left shortly after that. He was happy and excited to have her here. I drove up, saw the house (we rented it!) and came home. He had just woken up from his nap when I got home around 2:15 and Mimi said he was great. No fussing, no crying, played, watch a little TV and went down for his nap with no issue. He was happy but still seemed a little sleepy/snuggly. Josh picked him up and he went happily with him. I drank my spark (I'm doing/using advocare! Like I said I said I have a lot of catching up to do) while watching tv and planned on leaving at 4 to go to the gym. Well josh texted me that J had been crying at the door and saying crying momma for 30 minutes. He tried everything he could think of and J just wanted momma so he brought him home early. He was happy to see me. He snuggled with me while he watched cartoons and was happy, seemed tired. When my mom got home he didn't want her, just me, which is unusual unless he doesn't feel good. He felt a little warm and his temp was 99.4, not too bad, I figured he's teething. He finally went to nana and snuggled with her. I took him up to take a bath and as soon as I took his diaper off I saw a little blood in it where he had peed. I called my mom in and said is that blood?! She said it looked like it and to check to see if maybe he had a little cut or something after his bath and to watch it and his his diapers for more. Well he peed in the bath and it was obviously bloody so I called the after hours number right away. The on call dr called me back and said to take him to urgent care right away. So we went. They did a catheter to get a urine sample, my mom and I had to hold him down while the nurse did it and he screamed his little head off, poor baby. Luckily it only took about 30 seconds. There was very obviously blood in his urine. The urgent care dr told is that bladder infections in boys his age are extremely rare and usually have an underlying issue. They determined that he does have a bladder infection and prescribed antibiotics. The dr said to follow up with J's pediatrician and he would probably want to see us in 2 weeks once the infection had cleared to figure out the cause of the bladder infection and that he'd probably do an ultrasound to see what caused it. He said it could be an anatomic issue he was born with that cause the tubes that take urine from the kidneys to the bladder to be irritated and cause it. I really hope it's just a rare fluke that caused it. I love my little guy so so much and I really don't want him to be in pain or have an issue that causes problems for him. He woke up a little bit ago and I went on and help up and then laid him in his bed and rubbed his head until he fell back to sleep. I'm so incredible thankful for him. I love him so much it hurts. I'm scared and worried for him. I know it could be so much worse and I pray tonight for those families, those parents, whose babies and children are sick. My heart goes out to them. I hope and pray that my baby boy is ok.


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IIFYM

If It Fits Your Macros

I've heard of this "diet" before but didn't really know what it was or much about it. It's basically a way of eating and not exactly dieting. You can eat whatever you want if it fits your macros. Your macros are your macronutrients. Based on your BMR, weight, height, if your a male or female, if you want to lose weight you calculate specific things to get your calories intake and how many grams of carbs, protein and fat you are supposed to have each day. I hired a trainer I heard about on you tube and she showed me how to calculate it (in a little e book she sent after I signed up) and I calculated wrong so she sent me the right numbers...oops. I went back and saw what I did wrong. And she also has an app that I have a profile in and I go to that to get my workouts each day and track my measurements. I just started yesterday (Monday). I decided to do this because I started to sense that my body was in starvation mode from not eating enough calories and that's why I was having such a hard time losing weight and why I kept falling off the diets and having "eat everything in sight, I'm craving EVERYTHING" days. I was eating around 1000-1200 calories a day, usually closer to 1000, when I was sticking to my diet. On IIFYM I'm supposed to be eating 2100 calories! Holy cow!! That's a huge difference, pretty much double what I was eating before. But I don't just eat 2100 cals, I need to make sure I'm hitting my macros within that goal. My macros are 60 grams fat, 210 grams carbs, and 180 grams protein. That is A LOT of food. Like a massive amount of food. It's going to take some time to get used to what I need to eat and how to get to my goals. Yesterday I was under everything but today I'll be closer. I pretty much have to put it what I know I'll eat and what I want to eat and then build around that to get to the goals. Like today I was just going to have string cheese and turkey pepperoni for snack between lunch and dinner but even after I put in everything I was going to eat I was still way off so I ended up making pizzas on light whole wheat English muffins and was going to have 1/2 a muffin but then I still wasn't close enough so I added in 1 whole muffin pizza and I'm as close as I think I can get today. I'm eating every 2-3 hours and don't really have any craving and I definitely don't feel hungry at all. I'm trying to eat healthy and fairly clean while sticking to this to get the best results, like having turkey bacon and lean turkey meat and chicken. If this works I will be amazed and hooked. It's a genius concept because you can technically eat whatever you want as long as it fits your macros. So I could technically have what I would normally consider a cheat meal and then just plan the rest of my day around that to met my goals. I could have ice cream or a brownie, Starbucks, or in in out. I'd just have to balance the rest to met the goals. I'm trying not to do that, but to know that I can and its not "cheating" or failing or falling off track is huge for me mentally. I fell like it makes it easier to stick to this because I know I can have whatever I want if I want to instead of thinking of foods I love as off limits and craving them even more. I really hope this works and gives me great results! It's also a much easier program to stick to long term and adjust as needed as I lose weight. It will actually be a relief when I lose weight and can lower my goals so I'm not consumed with eating all day long. Like seriously I feel like eating is a full time job right now, but I know I'm fueling my body and hopefully it will reset my metabolism and I can start losing weight and gaining muscle!


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Today

Today we went over to my brothers to see the work they've been doing and to take a toy over to the pups. They are working on getting their house ready for an appraisal for a refi and have been painting outside and inside. And awhile ago Jackson and I got a dog toy at Kmart because it was $1 to take to the dogs. Well before we left my mom thought we needed to get another toy because they have 2 dogs. So we went to Walmart and since we were only getting 1 thing we let j walk instead of getting a cart and he was in heaven running all over the store. It's so funny, he loves running all over the store. Of course he slows people down, gets in their way and almost runs into people but it makes him so happy. It's very rare that he gets to do that and have that freedom and he loved it. He picked out a toy and it took 3x longer than it should have but it made him happy! We got to Nick and Sami's and he got to play in the backyard, which he loves! Thanks to Sami's encouragement we got him to say please "plea" and "up" he also say nick "niiii". Which is officially the first name, other then momma, nana "na", Mimi "mi", and dada! Nick went inside and we said we're did uncle nick go? Say nick! And he went to the close door and yelled "niii" and then later was looking for Nick in the house and calling "niii". And they had Sami's parents 2 pups so all 4 dogs. He loves the dogs.


He discovered that the step by the door was the perfect place to sit:





Eating a pita chip and dogs watching hoping he'd drop something:


They knocked him over:


He was a little confused about being knocked down and that cole kept taking the ball:








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Lol

I just went into the downstairs bathroom and I couldn't help but laugh when I glanced at the front door and saw this:


Jackson's keys dangling from the random hole in our front door! Everytime he comes across his keys he goes straight to the front door and tries to "unlock" it with his keys. Which is funny to me because I could count on 1 hand the number of times he's seen my lock/unlock a door in his lifetime. I park in the garage and we come I into the house that way. Usually when we walk to get the mail I don't even lock the door, only if I think I'm going to let him wander around and walk all over and it'll be awhile that we'll be away from our condo (maybe twice)! We go out that door maybe once a week, but I guess because of the hole he thinks he can unlock it?! He can't get to the door to the garage because it's blocked off by a baby gate because it's at the bottom of the stairs to go upstairs or he'd probably try to go out that door since that's the one we use 99% of he time! He's so stinkin smart!



And now I look at him on the monitor and I just want to go snuggle him. I'm seriously amazed (on a daily, sometimes hourly) basis how much love I have for this little human. He's my boy, and I'm his momma. And that is everything.

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The little things

I'm watching mindless TV (keeping up with the kardashians) and went into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine and on the way I pass the shoe on the couch, all the toys, the art on the wall and I smile. Seeing those things littering my house make me happy. They make this home. I always dreamed of and wanted a family. A husband and lots of kids. Well things didn't exactly turn out as planned, but I have an amazing little boy and I love seeing his "stuff" cluttering up the house. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm in the season of babyhood turning into toddlerhood (ok, maybe I'm already in toddlerhood but I'm holding onto evenly last bit of babyhood!). These are the little things that make me happy! These are the little moments of everyday life, and life with Jackson at 20 months old, that I want to remember.

Jackson's "art" on the wall:


A high chair at the dining room table, his bib, a little pack of Cheerios (and the printer that he LOVES to test the limits and try to touch...he got his little booty spanked tonight for touching it after repeatedly being told not to):


Little toy cars all over the place, he loves makes little car noises and of course siren sounds for the fire truck, police car and ambulance:


His cute little shoe (and Mickey blanket) on the couch. This is where my mom sits on the couch and when she's not home it's his spot, and when she is he usually wants to sit there with her:


His table, toys and books. I just got him that little fire station toy at a consignment sale and he loves it!
He also loves to pull EVERY book off the shelves and throw them all over the floor:



Some days are hard, and trying, as a single mom who also takes care of another baby along with my own. Yesterday was rough. Jackson didn't nap well and was really whiny, I had the little boy I babysit from 9am-11:30pm. Jackson fell and hit his chin on our ottoman and bit his lip. It bled and he now has a pretty bad looking bump. It scared me as a momma. I hate seeing him hurt. But I held him tight and just wanted to cry. My nerves where fried and I couldn't wait for bedtime. But in that moment I just held him and felt so bad. Felt like I wasn't a good momma. He breaks his arm a few weeks ago, bites his lip open tonight, what am I doing wrong?! I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm a loving, caring, momma to a toddler boy. A rough and tough toddler boy. There will be many bumps and bruises in our future, I'm sure, and I hope that I will always be there to hold and comfort my sweet baby boy. I was just having a bad day yesterday. They are rare but they happen, and I'm just lucky that as a single mom, doing this in my own, I'm able to be blessed with the patience and love I have for my son. That even on the hardest days, when I'm counting down until bedtime, I can look at my sweet boy, take a deep breath, and feel so much love and amazement towards him. Most nights (good and bad) I put him to bed and watch the monitor and feel this surge of love and desire to go and hold him. I don't of course, but some nights when he stirs and cries (like a few nights ago when he bumped his head on his headboard and cried) I love every moment of getting to hold and comfort him.

The past few times he's gone to his dad's he hasn't wanted to go. He's cried when his dad put him into his car. It breaks my heart. And then on those nights when I put him to bed he's cried for me. He's always happy to go to bed. I bathe him/change him into pjs and he wants in his bed. He cries and points to it. He gives me a kiss and hug and then is done. Just wants his bed, his binks (at least 2, one in his mouth and one or 2 extras) and his blankie. But the past few times he's gone to his dad's he doesn't want me to leave. He cries when I lay him down. He reaches out his arms to me and wants me to hold him. It breaks my heart to see him so sad but makes me feel and realize the intensity of love he had for me and that in those 3-3 1/2 hours he's with his dad he misses me and needs some extra time with me before he goes to bed. So I sit next to his bed and sing to him (poor boy! I can't sing. I just repeat a little lullaby that I used to sing when I'd rock him to sleep "rockabye and goodnight I love you sweet baby, rockabye and goodnight I love you sweet boy" and twinkle twinkle little star). I rub his head or his back and just sit there. One night he wouldn't lay down so I just sat there next to his bed with him sitting on his bed and held him, his head on my shoulder and my arms around him. Eventually be let me lay him down and rub his head. And eventually I was able to leave the room and he went to sleep. I hate that this affects him, but I know that in the long run its better this way.

Wow this turned into much more then I meant for it to be, but these are my feelings. This is my life. He is my life. My everything. And although my life isn't where I ever thought I'd be I wouldn't change anything because it gave me him.


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