I'm watching mindless TV (keeping up with the kardashians) and went into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine and on the way I pass the shoe on the couch, all the toys, the art on the wall and I smile. Seeing those things littering my house make me happy. They make this home. I always dreamed of and wanted a family. A husband and lots of kids. Well things didn't exactly turn out as planned, but I have an amazing little boy and I love seeing his "stuff" cluttering up the house. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm in the season of babyhood turning into toddlerhood (ok, maybe I'm already in toddlerhood but I'm holding onto evenly last bit of babyhood!). These are the little things that make me happy! These are the little moments of everyday life, and life with Jackson at 20 months old, that I want to remember.
Jackson's "art" on the wall:
A high chair at the dining room table, his bib, a little pack of Cheerios (and the printer that he LOVES to test the limits and try to touch...he got his little booty spanked tonight for touching it after repeatedly being told not to):
Little toy cars all over the place, he loves makes little car noises and of course siren sounds for the fire truck, police car and ambulance:
His cute little shoe (and Mickey blanket) on the couch. This is where my mom sits on the couch and when she's not home it's his spot, and when she is he usually wants to sit there with her:
His table, toys and books. I just got him that little fire station toy at a consignment sale and he loves it!
He also loves to pull EVERY book off the shelves and throw them all over the floor:
Some days are hard, and trying, as a single mom who also takes care of another baby along with my own. Yesterday was rough. Jackson didn't nap well and was really whiny, I had the little boy I babysit from 9am-11:30pm. Jackson fell and hit his chin on our ottoman and bit his lip. It bled and he now has a pretty bad looking bump. It scared me as a momma. I hate seeing him hurt. But I held him tight and just wanted to cry. My nerves where fried and I couldn't wait for bedtime. But in that moment I just held him and felt so bad. Felt like I wasn't a good momma. He breaks his arm a few weeks ago, bites his lip open tonight, what am I doing wrong?! I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm a loving, caring, momma to a toddler boy. A rough and tough toddler boy. There will be many bumps and bruises in our future, I'm sure, and I hope that I will always be there to hold and comfort my sweet baby boy. I was just having a bad day yesterday. They are rare but they happen, and I'm just lucky that as a single mom, doing this in my own, I'm able to be blessed with the patience and love I have for my son. That even on the hardest days, when I'm counting down until bedtime, I can look at my sweet boy, take a deep breath, and feel so much love and amazement towards him. Most nights (good and bad) I put him to bed and watch the monitor and feel this surge of love and desire to go and hold him. I don't of course, but some nights when he stirs and cries (like a few nights ago when he bumped his head on his headboard and cried) I love every moment of getting to hold and comfort him.
The past few times he's gone to his dad's he hasn't wanted to go. He's cried when his dad put him into his car. It breaks my heart. And then on those nights when I put him to bed he's cried for me. He's always happy to go to bed. I bathe him/change him into pjs and he wants in his bed. He cries and points to it. He gives me a kiss and hug and then is done. Just wants his bed, his binks (at least 2, one in his mouth and one or 2 extras) and his blankie. But the past few times he's gone to his dad's he doesn't want me to leave. He cries when I lay him down. He reaches out his arms to me and wants me to hold him. It breaks my heart to see him so sad but makes me feel and realize the intensity of love he had for me and that in those 3-3 1/2 hours he's with his dad he misses me and needs some extra time with me before he goes to bed. So I sit next to his bed and sing to him (poor boy! I can't sing. I just repeat a little lullaby that I used to sing when I'd rock him to sleep "rockabye and goodnight I love you sweet baby, rockabye and goodnight I love you sweet boy" and twinkle twinkle little star). I rub his head or his back and just sit there. One night he wouldn't lay down so I just sat there next to his bed with him sitting on his bed and held him, his head on my shoulder and my arms around him. Eventually be let me lay him down and rub his head. And eventually I was able to leave the room and he went to sleep. I hate that this affects him, but I know that in the long run its better this way.
Wow this turned into much more then I meant for it to be, but these are my feelings. This is my life. He is my life. My everything. And although my life isn't where I ever thought I'd be I wouldn't change anything because it gave me him.
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