Decisions, decisions, decisions

We'll me last decision didn't last very long. We went on our (late) honeymoon last week to Maui, yes we planned it that way! It was so great to have our wedding, spend 2 nights in a cottage at the hotel we got married at and then have our real honeymoon 6 months later! I wouldn't want it any other way! I've heard that some people get kinda depressed after the wedding and honeymoon, after all that planning and waiting and looking forward to...and then it's all over. Of course you have your lives together to look forward to, but for couples who are already living together I can see how that could happen. I'm glad we got to settle in as newlyweds (and move to another state in our case) all while looking forward to still having our honeymoon in Maui! It definitely made the stress of the move a lot easier when your looking forward to going to paradise for 8 days!

Back to the point here...I had been willing and ready to stop preventing anything from happening before we even got married! The hubby was not! So I was hoping that he would decide to start trying (or at least stop preventing) when we went to Maui. He wasn't saying no, but he did have points against the idea. First, I haven't been working since last May. I am an independent consultant for Thirty-One gifts and I do have an etsy shop, but I haven't made much. So without my income money is pretty tight, but we decided to wait until we got back from our honeymoon for me to find a job...so that starts this week! Second, he wants to buy a house before we even stop preventing. I can understand his point of view on that. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment right now, we downsized after living in a very spacious 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment in New Mexico, but we did it so that we can save money to buy a house. We start looking at houses this week and hope to move in to our own home by mid March...so even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon I'd just be finishing up the first trimester when we move in (if all goes as planned on the home buying front)...so while I could understand his view, I kept thinking why the hell not?!?!

I stopped taking the pill, after pretty much 9 years of being on it with a short time being on the shot, in August only because I thought I had one more refill left and I didn't. And so much was going on with figuring out if/when we'd be moving and literally having 2 weeks from the time we knew for sure we'd be moving to Utah to the time the hubby needed to be here...and at the time we were living in 2 different states, me in SoCal and him in NM because we thought he'd be moving back to SoCal...so lets just say getting felt up ect by a dr was not on the top of my to do list! At the time I had been on the pill that you take for 3 months straight before having your period and after going off it my cycles were all screwed up! I had my period and then 2 weeks later another one and then it was over 6 weeks before I had it again. So I decided to stay off the pill to let me cycle go back to normal, mainly because I was convinced the hubby would change his mind and we'd be trying come February when we went to Maui. So condoms it was...with NO chances being taken, on hubby's part not mine.  It was looking like we'd still be using those condoms on our honeymoon...so un-romantic! Well someone (or 2 someones in fact) through a major wrench in our honeymoon...my in-laws showed up unexpectedly. They live in SoCal, and yes I am serious. Our last full day was Thursday and they got there Wednesday afternoon. We had planned on spending Thursday relaxing together and enjoying our last day. I was pissed. They did pay for our honeymoon, they are kind hearted sweet people and I am lucky to have them as in-laws. They help us out a lot! But really?!?! Showing up on our honeymoon?!?! Luckily we had dinner plans that night for a highly recommended sushi restaurant and I was so looking forward to it! But I was still pissed. I took a long shower and cried, how could they do this? This is our first vacations together, other then trips home for the holidays, and it was our honeymoon! I tried to push it aside, but after a few drinks and the hubby picking on me, which is normal we pick on each other all the time, but this was not the time, I walked out of the restaurant. That night we had a big fight and then a long talk. He admitted that he realized that he was putting his wants above mine and not considering mine as strongly as he should. He told me that he knew how long I had wanted this and that he had made me put my wants on hold for a long time. He was ready to stop using condoms. WHAT?!?! I was in disbelief! I knew I wasn't only upset about his parents showing up, but also because I had thought we'd be trying for a baby.  I was surprised and scared and happy! We finally went to bed cuddling and I was so looking forward to it! We had breakfast with his parents the next morning...went back to the resort to go to the pool, had a few beers and then decided to go up to the room instead of taking a walk on the beach ;). We went to happy hour at the resort restaurant and his parents ended up joining us, and after a few drinks (on our part, not theres) he told them we were no longer going to prevent from getting pregnant. WHAT?!?! Again, I was surprised. We hadn't talked about whether or not we'd share this news, I just guessed I assumed we would, at least for the first month or so. And let's just say his parents are a little older and we have never really talked about stuff like that with them. With my family we talk about pretty much everything, my mom is my best friend and she's knows that I was hoping we'd start trying on our honeymoon, but I did not expect him to be that open, with me sitting right there, with his parents! So of course later that night I had to text my mom and tell her!

A strange decision

When I was younger I always imagined that I'd be married with a kid or 2 by now. I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a wife and mommy. I was the little girl who took her doll everywhere with her, I wanted my "baby" to have real diapers and real baby clothes and forget about those toy bottles! I wanted real baby stuff for my babies! When I was 9 my oldest sister had my nephew and I was so excited! I had my own real baby to play with! Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era, I just don't get why some women want careers away from home, when my dream career is being a homemaker. Staying home to take care of the house, hubby and kids sounds like heaven to me! But I've come to realize that not every woman's dream is to be a stay at home mom, but that's mine! So, I figured I would find "the one", get married, go off birth control pills, and within the first year of marriage have our first baby. Too bad it's not quite that simple, well I guess it could be, but we'd struggle A LOT. I'm glad that my hubby is the planning type, and wants to make sure we are as ready as we can be when we make the decision to go from a family of 2 to a family of 3, but I just want a baby dammit! I mean isn't that what married people are supposed to do?! Heck, I would have started trying for a baby before we were even married if my hubby would have been willing! I have MAJOR baby fever and it doesn't help that EVERYONE seems to be having babies! 3 of my younger cousins have recently had babies, and a lot of old friends are already onto baby number 2. I want to be pregnant and have a baby more then anything and it's something that my hubby and I have had a fair share of arguments about. Its not that he doesn't want kids, he does, but with a level head on his shoulders, he wants to be more ready. He wants to buy a house first and make sure that we are financially able to support a baby. Which of course makes sense. But when you've been wanting to have a baby for as long as I have it's hard to be rational about it.

Today I made a strange decision, if you can call it that. There was no real thought process involved, it just sort of happened. Let me explain...a friend from jr high, who is an awesome blogger, got married and then got pregnant and thats what she blogged about. I enjoyed reading her blog and following along with her pregnancy and suddenly at 24 weeks she had to have an emergency c-section. Her baby girl is now 8 months old and doing amazing, but following her journey got me hooked on reading blogs. I somehow ended up reading a blog about a woman struggling with infertility. It took them close to 4 years to have a baby! Any they were married for close to 8 years by the time the had their baby.

Let me stop there for a moment, I have a confession to make, I am intensely afraid that getting pregnant isn't going to just happen as soon as we stop trying to prevent it from happening (I've felt this way for a long time, way before reading that blog). I have no reason to think this way and no idea where this fear came from. So when we got married I wanted to start trying RIGHT AWAY I didn't want to waste precious time. So of course with this fear I got hooked on reading these blogs about women struggling to get pregnant. Crying as I read about these women who have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. And through this I realized something, these couples have AMAZING relationships. Their journeys over time have strengthened them as couples. The deep understanding and support that can only come from time and struggles as a married couple. And I realized I have only been married for 6 MONTHS! We are newlyweds...we haven't even gone on our honeymoon yet! (we are going to Maui for 8 days at the end of this month)! I am still learning how to be the wife I want to be and he is still learning how to be the husband I need him to be. I want that deep understanding and support that comes with time. I want a baby more then anything, but first I want to enjoy being newlyweds! I want to spend time as just husband and wife. I want to build and strengthen our relationship. And I want to do this BEFORE we have a baby. Just a week ago I would have done anything to convince the hubby to start trying to get pregnant, or at least stop preventing it, when we go to maui. But now I want to wait, I'm thinking until our 1 year anniversary...that's less then 6 months away, but a week ago it felt like way to long to wait. We are newlyweds and I want to enjoy this time with my hubby. It doesn't mean I want a baby any less, in fact it makes me feel like we will be even better parents, because we gave ourselves a chance to have a stronger relationship with each other before bringing a baby into our lives. We will be better able to support each other through the ups and downs of parenthood. We will understand each other better. Although we've known each other for a long time, we were only together for 2 years before we got married, that's not very long. I know that he is going to be an amazing father and I cannot wait to see the look on his face the first time he sees our baby on the ultrasound screen, the first time he hears the heartbeat, the first time he puts his hand on my pregnant belly and feels the baby move, the first time he holds our baby. But right now I want to enjoy my husband. I want to enjoy being newlyweds. And I'm working on a list of things I want to do with him BEFORE we start trying to have a baby. I WANT to wait. And I'm strangely at peace with that. I'm sure I will have my moments of severe baby envy, like when the next friend/family member announces they are expecting...but then I will remind myself that we WILL have that soon enough...but why rush?!

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First post

So I started a blog awhile back when my now hubby and I moved from So Cal to New Mexico, mainly to keep family and friends back home updated about our lives. Well, lets just say I haven't been a very successful blogger! I quickly realized that blogging was a great way to vent, to rant, to rave, to put my thoughts down onto paper, technically onto screen I guess, I found it was a great way to sort out my thoughts and feelings, like a journal, pretty therapeutic to me! But I found that in was having to censor what I wrote and that just wasn't working for me. I need to put it all there and not worry about upsetting anyone, hurting feelings, or looking like a crazy person to my friends and family, because come on now, we all have our crazy moments! An old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook has a blog and I started following and then started to explore other blogs out there and let's just say I'm hooked. I'm in awe at how brutally honest some of the bloggers out there are and came across some where the bloggers remain anonymous, and something clicked, so here I am, starting another blog. And I just want to say that I am NOT going to censor myself, so be prepared for the good, the bad and ugly, because I'm learning that marriage and life as an adult living hundreds of miles away from "home" isn't always easy, but it's worth every moment!

A little background is in order. I'm 27 and my hubby is 26. We got married on July 16, 2010 and shortly after relocated to Salt Lake City, Utah for hubby's job. I love it hear, it's beautiful! But of course I do miss my friends and family in CA.

So this is our journey! Enjoy! I know I am!


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