A strange decision

When I was younger I always imagined that I'd be married with a kid or 2 by now. I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a wife and mommy. I was the little girl who took her doll everywhere with her, I wanted my "baby" to have real diapers and real baby clothes and forget about those toy bottles! I wanted real baby stuff for my babies! When I was 9 my oldest sister had my nephew and I was so excited! I had my own real baby to play with! Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era, I just don't get why some women want careers away from home, when my dream career is being a homemaker. Staying home to take care of the house, hubby and kids sounds like heaven to me! But I've come to realize that not every woman's dream is to be a stay at home mom, but that's mine! So, I figured I would find "the one", get married, go off birth control pills, and within the first year of marriage have our first baby. Too bad it's not quite that simple, well I guess it could be, but we'd struggle A LOT. I'm glad that my hubby is the planning type, and wants to make sure we are as ready as we can be when we make the decision to go from a family of 2 to a family of 3, but I just want a baby dammit! I mean isn't that what married people are supposed to do?! Heck, I would have started trying for a baby before we were even married if my hubby would have been willing! I have MAJOR baby fever and it doesn't help that EVERYONE seems to be having babies! 3 of my younger cousins have recently had babies, and a lot of old friends are already onto baby number 2. I want to be pregnant and have a baby more then anything and it's something that my hubby and I have had a fair share of arguments about. Its not that he doesn't want kids, he does, but with a level head on his shoulders, he wants to be more ready. He wants to buy a house first and make sure that we are financially able to support a baby. Which of course makes sense. But when you've been wanting to have a baby for as long as I have it's hard to be rational about it.

Today I made a strange decision, if you can call it that. There was no real thought process involved, it just sort of happened. Let me explain...a friend from jr high, who is an awesome blogger, got married and then got pregnant and thats what she blogged about. I enjoyed reading her blog and following along with her pregnancy and suddenly at 24 weeks she had to have an emergency c-section. Her baby girl is now 8 months old and doing amazing, but following her journey got me hooked on reading blogs. I somehow ended up reading a blog about a woman struggling with infertility. It took them close to 4 years to have a baby! Any they were married for close to 8 years by the time the had their baby.

Let me stop there for a moment, I have a confession to make, I am intensely afraid that getting pregnant isn't going to just happen as soon as we stop trying to prevent it from happening (I've felt this way for a long time, way before reading that blog). I have no reason to think this way and no idea where this fear came from. So when we got married I wanted to start trying RIGHT AWAY I didn't want to waste precious time. So of course with this fear I got hooked on reading these blogs about women struggling to get pregnant. Crying as I read about these women who have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. And through this I realized something, these couples have AMAZING relationships. Their journeys over time have strengthened them as couples. The deep understanding and support that can only come from time and struggles as a married couple. And I realized I have only been married for 6 MONTHS! We are newlyweds...we haven't even gone on our honeymoon yet! (we are going to Maui for 8 days at the end of this month)! I am still learning how to be the wife I want to be and he is still learning how to be the husband I need him to be. I want that deep understanding and support that comes with time. I want a baby more then anything, but first I want to enjoy being newlyweds! I want to spend time as just husband and wife. I want to build and strengthen our relationship. And I want to do this BEFORE we have a baby. Just a week ago I would have done anything to convince the hubby to start trying to get pregnant, or at least stop preventing it, when we go to maui. But now I want to wait, I'm thinking until our 1 year anniversary...that's less then 6 months away, but a week ago it felt like way to long to wait. We are newlyweds and I want to enjoy this time with my hubby. It doesn't mean I want a baby any less, in fact it makes me feel like we will be even better parents, because we gave ourselves a chance to have a stronger relationship with each other before bringing a baby into our lives. We will be better able to support each other through the ups and downs of parenthood. We will understand each other better. Although we've known each other for a long time, we were only together for 2 years before we got married, that's not very long. I know that he is going to be an amazing father and I cannot wait to see the look on his face the first time he sees our baby on the ultrasound screen, the first time he hears the heartbeat, the first time he puts his hand on my pregnant belly and feels the baby move, the first time he holds our baby. But right now I want to enjoy my husband. I want to enjoy being newlyweds. And I'm working on a list of things I want to do with him BEFORE we start trying to have a baby. I WANT to wait. And I'm strangely at peace with that. I'm sure I will have my moments of severe baby envy, like when the next friend/family member announces they are expecting...but then I will remind myself that we WILL have that soon enough...but why rush?!

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