Confessions

So...the only people that know that we're struggling to get pregnant is me and my hubby. People know where not preventing. They know we want a baby. But I'm pretty nonchalant about it when people ask. I keep it vague and just say we aren't preventing so when it happens it happens. But tonight I told my mom. She's been waiting for the announcement that were pregnant. She was even expecting it when she visited at christmas. She knows we're trying, but I don't think she thought we were struggling. I (maybe drunkenly) posted on face.book a few nights ago that i miss my mom and my best friend. We were emailing back and forth and she said she wants to come visit next month because she misses me to. Well I wrote back and told her that it's been a hard few months. I told her we've been trying to have a baby for 8 months and within the last month I found out a girl at work is pregnant and 2 old friends of mine are expecting there 2nd and 3rd babies. I felt relieved that I told her and at the same time terrified. It was admitting that we're struggling. My mom and I are very close and I wanted her to know whats going on, but at the same time I don't want her worrying about me. I also fear that she won't understand. I feel like pregnancy came so easily, and often unexpectedly, in my family and she'll think we aren't trying hard enough, or we aren't doing something right. I feel like I'm disappointing her. And I know I'm being completely irrational and that she loves me and will understand what I'm going through i still feel that way. It also made it more real. Our struggle that is. It's one thing to know in my mind how long we've been trying. I can make excuses that we maybe didn't do "it" enough or at exactly the right time. But admitting to someone else, with no excuses, that it's been 8 months, is scary. It's real. No excuses, no reasoning. Just 8 months and no pregnancy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Enough

Did I not try hard enough? Do I not have enough faith? Am I not religious enough? Do I not pray enough? Do I not want it bad enough? Am I not a good enough person?

I want it more then anything. I'd give anything. Isn't that enough? My heart hurts, as the tears run down my cheeks and I pray to God to please give me his greatest gift. The one thing I want more then anything is the miracle He has to give. I'm at a loss. I feel lost. I don't know what to do, or where to go from here.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hurt

There's something that I want. More then anything. Something I feel that I'm meant to be. But no matter what I do or how hard I try I still don't have it. And it hurts. I never imagined this. This pain. This ache. This want. This need. This desire. I'd give anything to have the one thing my heart craves. The one thing my heart yearns for. I was made to me a mom. Yet my efforts seem to unsuccessful.

My heart hurts. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I always thought that if you worked hard for what you want you'd get it...but I worked hard. I did what needed to be done. And I still sit here...without the one thing it want most. What do I do now?
Where do I go from here? 8 months of trying...with no success. The want, the need, it hurts. Where do I go from here?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Diet

Yesterday was diet day 1 and I did good. I had my slim fast berry smoothie for breakfast, chocolate slim fast shake for lunch, and then Quiz.nos for dinner. They have these new little slider sandwiches so I had 2 of those and broccoli cheese soup.

Today I had iced coffee, then I drank my berry smoothie on the way to work and I brought a lean cuisine for dinner since I work until 9. The big test will be to not eat when I get home from work! Usually when I work late I just pick up fast food on the way home for us to have for dinner. SO bad. I'm trying to break that habit. So I told J to just make something for himself for dinner.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A new start

So last month I failed at the whole workout and diet. Badly. I know I said I wasn't going to, that I was going to focus on myself and getting in shape, but all my energy went into getting pregnant. I bought the ovulation predictor tests, we did "it" at the right times but I know that it didn't happen. Although not until AF officially arrives, I already know. I had the same spotting I always get a few days before she shows up.

So... Back to the plan. I REALLY seriously need to focus on me. I need to get in better shape and feel better about myself. I'm sure I sound like a broken record now. But I have to do this now. It's what I need. So tomorrow starts my new diet. I got slim fast vanilla powder and I'm going to mix it with frozen fruit, a little low fat vanilla yogurt and milk for a breakfast smoothie every morning. Lunch will be a chocolate slim fast shake (the already liquid kind) and dinner will be a lean cuisine or Smart one. I stocked up on everything I should need for the week. Although if I like the kind of shakes I got I'll have to pick up more or if I don't like them I'll have to get a different kind. I used to like the wal.mart brand of the chocolate diet shakes better then the slim fast ones but they I think they re-did the slim fast ones so I'm going to give those a shot first.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Weird dream

Last night I had a very strange, but happy, dream. I was in a truck or SUV parked somewhere, I'm guessing airport, with a little girl. Maybe 3 years old, straight dark blond almost light brown hair. We're waiting to pick someone up. A guy, I never see his face but I'm thinking my husband, comes to the truck with an older little girl with blond curly hair in pigtails, maybe 5 or 6 years old. She gets in the front to greet me and hug me, the guy puts a blond haired blue eyed baby in a car seat and goes to put the bags in the back. The older little girl is telling me that she thinks we need a baby brother and is telling me all about the baby brother they went to visit. When the guy comes back she gets in the backseat and I get out and hand him the darker haired girl and ask him to put her in her carseat while I say hi to the baby "maddy" and I open the back door and say hi and she says "mamma" and I get all excited and the guy says "what did she say? Mamma?" and smiled at me. It made me so happy. Then I woke up. The girl name we've had picked out FOREVER is Madison, Maddy for short. I don't know what the other girls names were but it was weird that Maddy was the 3rd girls name, not the first. I was happy that there were 3 kids though. J wants only 2 but I've always wanted a big family so I've agreed on 2, but I think after 2 I'll try to convince him to have 1 more...and I joke with him about this plan!

I wish I knew what that dream meant! But it made me happy!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad