Confessions

So...the only people that know that we're struggling to get pregnant is me and my hubby. People know where not preventing. They know we want a baby. But I'm pretty nonchalant about it when people ask. I keep it vague and just say we aren't preventing so when it happens it happens. But tonight I told my mom. She's been waiting for the announcement that were pregnant. She was even expecting it when she visited at christmas. She knows we're trying, but I don't think she thought we were struggling. I (maybe drunkenly) posted on face.book a few nights ago that i miss my mom and my best friend. We were emailing back and forth and she said she wants to come visit next month because she misses me to. Well I wrote back and told her that it's been a hard few months. I told her we've been trying to have a baby for 8 months and within the last month I found out a girl at work is pregnant and 2 old friends of mine are expecting there 2nd and 3rd babies. I felt relieved that I told her and at the same time terrified. It was admitting that we're struggling. My mom and I are very close and I wanted her to know whats going on, but at the same time I don't want her worrying about me. I also fear that she won't understand. I feel like pregnancy came so easily, and often unexpectedly, in my family and she'll think we aren't trying hard enough, or we aren't doing something right. I feel like I'm disappointing her. And I know I'm being completely irrational and that she loves me and will understand what I'm going through i still feel that way. It also made it more real. Our struggle that is. It's one thing to know in my mind how long we've been trying. I can make excuses that we maybe didn't do "it" enough or at exactly the right time. But admitting to someone else, with no excuses, that it's been 8 months, is scary. It's real. No excuses, no reasoning. Just 8 months and no pregnancy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone