Cleaning

AF showed up on Tuesday. That sucks. I was really hopeful this month, so I was really upset when she showed up. It was all I focused on and thought about for the last 2 weeks. I was really bummed yesterday. But today my focus has shifted and I'm back to "focus on myself" mindset. The past few months I've been trying to focus on myself and by the time I think I'm close to ovulation my mind shifts to that. I think "I'll just pee on 1 little stick to see if I'm right" then if it's negative "well I'll just keep testing just to see when I ovulate so I can keep track of that". Yeah right. You can't focus on that without making sure you do "it" at the right times. Or at least I can't. It's all consuming. Then it becomes "I ovulated, we did it, this could be it! Or maybe it's just like every other month. Or maybe things happened just right this month!" and on and on. Then AF shows up and I'm sad and depressed about it and then I'm all motivated again. This shit consumes my life. It's a horrible cycle.

One of the main things that doesn't get taken care of is housework. I hate cleaning. I love it when every things nice and clean, but I hate the process of getting it that way. Our house isn't "dirty" but I'd be embarrassed if someone came over. It's messy and needs to be cleaned. Our large kitchen counter is a catch all and stuff just piles up, so then the dining table becomes a place for us to drop stuff off instead of putting it away. We've lived in our house for 1 year and I still struggle with finding a way to do it all, keep it all clean without overwhelming myself. It's always gets to a point where I just have to clean the whole house at one time and it's overwhelming. We have a 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bathroom, 3 story house (including finished basement). So I'm going to try something different. I made a list and I'm going to clean certain rooms on different days. Here's my plan so far : Monday's-clean bathrooms, wash towels and rugs. Tuesday's-clean kitchen, dining area, and living room. Wednesday's-change/wash sheets, clean bedroom, pick up craft room of needed. Fridays-clean basement living room. I think that this will work out some much better then spending pretty much a whole day cleaning the whole house! And I made the cleaning schedule based on my work schedule so I know I'll have enough time on each of those days to do the cleaning I need to do! I think I'll be better able to enjoy my days off work because I won't have to spend it cleaning, I'll be able to do things I want to do like craft projects! Now hopefully I can find a way to fit in daily workouts too. Next week my goal is going to be to wake up earlier and work out...I'm so not a morning person so it's going to be rough. But I have to make it a priority. For my health. For my happiness. And hopefully i can keep up with these goals and stay motivated the whole month and beyond! I'm also going to try very hard not to use any ovulation tests and not worry about TTCing. I know it'll be in the back of my head, but that's ok as long as it doesn't consume my mind, time, and energy. I need to take control of my life outside of TTCing.

Hopefully July will be a month of keeping a clean house, working out, eating healthy, and getting some craft projects accomplished! It's also our 2 year wedding anniversary and well be going to park city for a weekend and my mom will also be visiting us for a week! Yay! July is going to be a fun and (hopefully) successful month for me!

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Anticipation of disappointment

I always have a sign that aunt flow's about to make her monthly appearance anywhere from 2-7 days before hand. TMI: I always have some form of spotting. Sometimes even just a tiny bit of light pink on toilet paper. Sometimes it's more, sometimes it's darker, but always something. AF is supposed to visit tomorrow or the next day and I haven't any spotting. At all. Every time I go to the bathroom I know it will happen (seeing some form of spotting) but it doesn't. And each time it gives me a little more hope. We did "it" a lot and during the right time this month so technically speaking it could totally happen. But it could have totally happened most months during the past year and it didn't so I am trying REALLY hard not to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. My boobs are sore and I'm emotional. But that doesn't tell me anything. I took a test this morning and I pretty much convinced myself that I could almost see a second line, like so so so faint that it's almost not there. I actually dug it out of the trash later on to look at it again. And I could still convince myself that there could be a line there but it's just too early. And because I have a kinda short luteal phase (11-12 days versus 14) so its probably to early to get a positive. So that doesn't help either. That gives me hope that AF won't show and I'll be pregnant. But I know I won't. And I'll just be disappointed. Again.


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Wants

I want...
* to lose weight
* to be stronger
* to have confidence in myself
* to find something I love career wise
* to be better at cleaning my house
* to be better at saving money
* to be rich
* to travel all over the world
* to be able to see my family more, live closer to them

But more then anything I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I'm ready for it. I ache for it. My mind is consumed with "when will it be my time?", "when will my prayers be answered?", "what do I need to do to make this happen?", "when do I need to do 'it' for it to happen?", "are we doing it at the wrong time? Not often enough? Too often? On the wrong days?", "should I chart my temps? Use ovulation prediction strips?" Wasn't it supposed to be unprotected sex=pregnancy?! Isn't that how it's supposed to work?

I've been trying so hard to focus on myself, my workouts, and I've been doing really good. Until this week. It just hit me: i don't want to wait any longer. I'm going to be 29 in 2 months, I'm ready now. I keep seeing itty bitty babies at work and my uterus squeals "aww! How cute! I want one!" I see pregnant ladies and think "I can't wait for that!"

I guess I just need to keep trying to focus on myself, being healthier, losing weight and just keep trying. And hoping.


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Playing catch up

I've been working twice a week with Vanessa (Hubbies cousin who is working on becoming a personal trainer) and I feel stronger, healthier, and thinner but the number on the scale hasn't changed. I know I need to add in cardio a few days a week on my own and I know I need to eat better. I really need to get my eating under control. I know that's what will truly help me make a difference in my weight loss.

I need to find a better way to balance my life. Working, working out, taking care of our animals (oh by the way, we got a new puppy. An 8 week old black lab. We named her sadie), time for my hubby, keeping my house clean, and my hobbies (craft projects, house decorating projects, reading). If I'm doing great in one area it feels like I'm slacking in the other areas. I really need to make myself a schedule and try to follow it. Maybe if I actually schedule my life I'll be able to better handle it. So this week I'm going to make myself a schedule and see if that helps me. Hopefully it will!

Here's the new pup:



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