Eating

I love food. I love eating. I know that's one of the main reasons why I've gained so much weight. I eat when I'm happy, sad, upset, ect. Well this past week I've tried really hard to eat better. I've been more aware of what I'm eating and I've really tried to make better choices. Ive been eating a lot less then I normally do. I wasn't perfect though, I had wine a few nights last week and on Friday we went to our favorite sports bar, had their version of fries and a buffalo chicken wrap and we shared a few pitchers I beer (josh and I) before we went to the movies. After the movies we had ice cream. I also had cafe rio Saturday night. I had a salad but their salad is close to 1000 calories! So not great, but the rest of the time I did good. Well last Monday I weighed 224. I started at 234 an I've been battling the same few pounds for the last few months. The lowest I've been during these last few months was 221. I have not been able to get below that. Many times I've stood next to the scale just hoping and praying to be in the teens, to be under 220 then I step on the scale and I'm not. It's so frustrating. I have weighed myself again until this morning. For some reason I was terrified that the number would go up. Even though I was eating well for the most part, after the ice cream and all the other crap I just keep thinking I'd gain weight for sure. But this morning I stepped on the scale and it was at 219!!! Yay! It felt good to see that number. For some reason it feels like I'm so much closer to the 100's, even though it's only a few pounds less. So I lost 5 pounds in a week! That's awesome! I guess I did better then I thought I did.


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Insanity

I've seenthis commercials for the insanity program and I've wanted to try it, but thought there was no way I'd be able to do it. Well A friend at work started the program about 2 months ago and you can totally see the difference. When she started she said it was so hard and she could barely even do some of the things on it but she'd just try the best she could. Last week she showed me a picture of her in a tight fitting tshirt and jeans at the beginning of the program and then a picture from that day and it was a huge deference (our work shirts are pretty baggy, even though you could tell she lost weight you couldn't really see how much of a difference). So I thought I have to do this! She's about to start a second round of it but because of our schedules we can't really get together to work out, but want to do it together to motivate each other and hold each other accountable. I knew that my brother had the program so I texted him asking if I could borrow it and he said of course. Well at the end of last week I got home to a package from amazon with a brand new insanity program inside. He wasn't sure where his was and didn't have all the paper work (calendar, nutrition guide) so he just bought me a new one. I seriously have an amazing brother! Now I feel even more motivated because he bought it for me!

I started it today. Day 1 is "just" the fitness test. It was hard! It's pretty much a workout by itself. I really hope that this program can help me get the results I want!


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Sucker punched

A few nights ago Josh's best friend called (he lives in ca) and asked him if he'd talked to one of there good friends (who lives in new jersey) recently. Both guys were in our wedding, the first was the best man, they've all been friends since elementary school. Well the best friend insisted that josh call the friend in new jersey. The next day they talked again. Josh had tried to call but found he had the wrong number. He got the new number and promised to call. Then this friend texted me saying to make josh call him. We were at dinner and after the first call I gathered it was good news, I immediately knew that his wife was pregnant. They got married a few months after us and wanted to wait a few years to have kids. I didn't say anything, but I just knew. So we were at a bar eating and drinking before going to see the new batman movie (really good btw) and I told josh to just call him. Get it over with. I thought since I knew what it was going to be it would be good to just get it over with and move on with our night. Bad idea. As soon as he found out and they starting talking about it I was fighting tears. To hear josh talk to him about, about it being scary but exciting, about his friend being a dad, asking about how his wife is doing and feeling. It just hit me. I fought of the tears and tried to just move on after they hung up. I ended up having to go to the bathroom because I couldn't keep the tears at bay. Why us? Why did I have to go through this? How was it so easy for them? How come some people just have sex and end up pregnant? But not us. I tried to make the night better. We saw the movie then got ice cream after. It ended up being a good date night. But we got home and I climbed onto the bed in our downstairs bedroom and cried myself to sleep. Josh has no idea how much this hurts me. I feel so alone in this. I feel like he just thinks it'll just happen, like it's not a big deal. Like we don't have a problem. I don't know how to make him understand. To make him realize how much it hurts me. To make him know the pain I'm in.

I can only imagine that this is what being sucker punched feels like.

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Projects

So I've spent some much needed time in my craft room. Not working on anything really big and exciting, but getting crafty nonetheless.

Using my cameo and vinyl to make a stencil and them glass etching cream:






Chalk board vinyl to make labels. Makes me want to label everything! And gave me a great idea for bridal shower gifts- a sheet of labels and an apron (made by me of course, haven't made one yet though but a friend is getting married next month so I plan on making one for her!) :






And last but not least finding fun uses for vinyl
Personalizing my cameo (with hot pink vinyl of course!):



And trying it out on decorating a wipe case:




It felt good to craft, to create. I also have a few things on the floor in the garage that are being spray painted/drying...pics to come soon.
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29

I turned 29 this last Thursday and I am in a major funk. For some reason I was really upset about turning 29. It's my last year in my 20's and I don't feel like I'm where I want to be. For 1 I thought we'd have a baby by now, or I'd at least be nearing the end of a pregnancy. But it wasn't only that. Leading up to my birthday I was thinking a lot about my early 20's, how happy, carefree, outgoing and fun loving I was. I haven't been comfortable with myself for a few years, in fact the last time I can remember being happy with myself and felt confident and good about myself was when I was 25. 26 wasn't too bad, but I had gained a little weight and even though I was happy with myself I wish I had lost weight before our wedding. From there I gained more weight and became more and more unhappy with myself. I want my life back. I want to look in the mirror and see me, not this fat unhappy version of myself. I want to want and enjoy going out. Having fun. I hate going places now because I feel horrible in anything I wear and uncomfortable. Everything takes more effort and more energy then it used to and I know its because I'm out of shape. So I decided that I want to make this next year, my last year of my 20's, the year of me. I'm working on a list of things I want to do before I turn 30. And I want to find myself, the thin, happy, healthy, outgoing, fun loving girl I used to be. I want to wear all the cute clothes I already own and enjoy shopping for new clothes again! I want to go hiking, bowling, mini golfing and all that fun stuff. I'd love to attempt to learn to snowboard this winter. I want to enter my 30's at my healthiest and happiest! I want to look forward to my future instead of daydreaming about my past. I want the outside me to match the person hidden inside, the person who wants all of this but is held back by the fat. Mainly I just want to be me again.


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