A few nights ago Josh's best friend called (he lives in ca) and asked him if he'd talked to one of there good friends (who lives in new jersey) recently. Both guys were in our wedding, the first was the best man, they've all been friends since elementary school. Well the best friend insisted that josh call the friend in new jersey. The next day they talked again. Josh had tried to call but found he had the wrong number. He got the new number and promised to call. Then this friend texted me saying to make josh call him. We were at dinner and after the first call I gathered it was good news, I immediately knew that his wife was pregnant. They got married a few months after us and wanted to wait a few years to have kids. I didn't say anything, but I just knew. So we were at a bar eating and drinking before going to see the new batman movie (really good btw) and I told josh to just call him. Get it over with. I thought since I knew what it was going to be it would be good to just get it over with and move on with our night. Bad idea. As soon as he found out and they starting talking about it I was fighting tears. To hear josh talk to him about, about it being scary but exciting, about his friend being a dad, asking about how his wife is doing and feeling. It just hit me. I fought of the tears and tried to just move on after they hung up. I ended up having to go to the bathroom because I couldn't keep the tears at bay. Why us? Why did I have to go through this? How was it so easy for them? How come some people just have sex and end up pregnant? But not us. I tried to make the night better. We saw the movie then got ice cream after. It ended up being a good date night. But we got home and I climbed onto the bed in our downstairs bedroom and cried myself to sleep. Josh has no idea how much this hurts me. I feel so alone in this. I feel like he just thinks it'll just happen, like it's not a big deal. Like we don't have a problem. I don't know how to make him understand. To make him realize how much it hurts me. To make him know the pain I'm in.
I can only imagine that this is what being sucker punched feels like.
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