Infertility. It doesn't just go away when you get pregnant. It's not as present as it was when we where trying, but its still always there, in the back of my mind.
Like when I find out someone I know is pregnant, or see a pregnant woman, the nasty little voice in the back if my mind says "I bet they just decided to have a baby, had sex once or twice and got pregnant. I'm sure they didn't have to pay a fertility clinic money to have a baby." I try to remind myself that I don't know there struggle, or lack there of, in most cases but it doesn't really help.
I'm so thankful and so lucky to be pregnant. I know that. I don't take it for granted. I love being pregnant. I love feeling my little guy move and kick inside my belly. But because of infertility I feel like my pregnancy doesn't have my full attention all the time. I think most pregnant woman are able to fully enjoy and be in the moment, while as someone who struggles with infertility I'm already looking ahead. I'm already thinking about and planning for baby number 2. I hate that, but at the same time it's necessary if I want my children to be close in age (about 2 years apart would be perfect). We will try on our own for awhile, I've heard that fertile aide for men can help so I want to get hubby on that and try it, so I'm already thinking about when I should order that, when he should start that because I know he needs to start it before we start trying on our own. Maybe we can do that and try once Jackson is 6 months old, although I know the odds are unlikely because I plan on still breastfeeding at that time, I'm hoping to breastfeeding for 1 year. But then I wonder should I wean him at 6 months so we can really try for maybe a good 6 months before moving on to fertility treatments when he's 1. I guess it will depend on how I feel about this when that time comes. And then there's the fertility treatments. I don't really think we'll get pregnant on our own so I'm guessing that we'll need another IUI to have a second baby. We need to save money for that. Maybe we can put our tax return money aside for it. And then there's the whole what if it doesn't work the first time issue. We were extremely lucky that our very first treatment with the fertility specialist worked. And I know that's not always the case. We can't afford to do more then 1 IUI cycle. It's expensive and with a baby it'll be even harder to come up with the money. So what will we do if it doesn't work the first time.
These are all things that are on my mind often. I want my son to have a sibling close to his age. I want to experience pregnancy again. I know that one baby will not complete our family. And this is so hard for me. I want a family and I want it to be easy to make one. It's hard and expensive enough to raise kids, why does it have to be that way for me to get pregnant too?!
But for now, I want to try to focus on the now. On the tiny baby getting bigger everyday in my belly. Kicking and moving, like he's saying "hi mama!" I love him so much already. And I still have a lot to do to get ready to welcome my son in a few short months.
This is infertility. It doesn't just go away.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
No comments:
Post a Comment