So ready!

I'm so ready for this cycle! I called today and I was able to make my appointment for Thursday morning! I'll have a baseline ultrasound and blood work done, Josh will also have blood work done for infectious disease (they require it for IUI, etc so we're just getting it out of the way now). And they will give me my prescription for clomid! And I'm going to hopefully schedule my HSG and Josh's semen analysis for next Wednesday, I just need to make sure I'll have it off and I should be able to find out tomorrow.

Hopefully all this will result in a BFP at the end of the month! I know it's not likely on our first cycle, but it could happen!

Here's to our first cycle with treatment! We'll call it cycle #1 (18). (Since its our 18th month TTCing).


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Waiting

I'm still just waiting for my period. My cycle is always pretty much like clockwork, 27-28 days. But last month it was only 24 days so when I had some spotting on Wednesday I was sure it would come early again and I'd get it by yesterday. But I'm glad I didn't, that means my cycle is normal again and last month was just weird. So hopefully I'll get it tomorrow and can go in wednesday for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and blood work. And get my prescription for clomid!!! I'm so excited to get this cycle started! To get the testing done, to see if there's a problem with me or josh and to start treatment! If it's unexplained I think I'll want to do an IUI as soon as possible.


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Consult

I had my RE consult this morning and it went really well! We got there early and gave the girl at the desk our paperwork that she had emailed me to fill out. She took our ID's and insurance cards and then we sat and waited. The wait felt like FOREVER! It really wasn't very long, maybe 10-15 minutes, but it felt like an hour. I tried to look at a magazine and I just turned the pages without really even looking at them. I was so nervous and the longer we sat there the more nervous I got. Then the dr came out and introduced herself and took us back to an office. She had already looked over my paperwork but just kinda went over the basics with me. We talked about how long we'd been trying, my cycle lengths, how long I've been off the pill. She asked if I've used ovulation prediction tests and I have, I even took a picture of this past cycles and marked on the test sticks the days we'd had sex. She seemed impressed. She said we are definitely doing things right. She explained to us what needs to happen for pregnancy to occur (pretty much sex ed all over again). She was really easy to talk to and I was shocked at how comfortable josh was. He answered questions and asked questions. Then she took us into another room to do the ultrasound, she explained to me that she wanted me to empty my bladder first and then take off my clothes from the waste down and cover myself with a paper sheet. She showed me where the bathroom was and I went, came back to the room, took off my pants and underwear and sat on the table. I looked at the dildo cam (ultrasound wand) and was surprised at how small it was. It was long like I expected, but a lot skinner then I expected. So she came in and had me put my feet in stirrups that she pulled out, scoot down and lay back. It felt just like a pap, but with my husband sitting right there. She put the thing in and it didn't hurt at all. It was a little uncomfortable as she pushed on my ovaries though. We watched on the screen and she showed us where my cervix was and showed us my uterus and ovaries. She pointed out the follicles in my ovaries and measured everything. She said everything looked good. Then she had me get dressed and meet her back in her office. She said everything on the ultrasound looked good and then talked about our next steps. First she explained what FSH is and why we need to do bloodwork to look at that hormone and another hormone that I can't remember the name of right now. That needs to be done on CD3 along with a baseline ultrasound. We'll also both do testing for infectious diseases and the genetic test for cystic fibrosis. Then I will have an HSG done and josh will have a semen analysis done. She then started talking about that there is a chance that these tests will come back normal and if so it will be unexplained fertility. She started talking about clomid and what it does and why it's used. She said something about taking this month (December) to get all the tests done and then made an offhand comment along the lines of "unless your in a hurry to get started this cycle"... And I think she could tell by the look on my face that I wanted that and then she said we could start clomid this cycle and do the testing this cycle too! She told us how cheap clomid is and we decided to do that! Although her recommendation was :
*cd3 - bloodwork to look at hormone levels and baseline ultrasound. Infectious disease and genetic testing for me and josh. Get calendar for the cycle. Make appointment for HSG. Get clomid prescription.
*Somewhere between cd 7-10 (i think) have HSG done and Josh's semen analysis (for this we have to go to their main clinic farther away so we'll probably do these at the same time).
*followed by follicle check(s), trigger and IUI.

Wellllll an IUI cycle costs about $800+. So we are going to see if we can just do a few clomid cycles on our own before we jump to IUI. I want to ask about maybe even doing a clomid, trigger, timed intercourse cycle depending on the cost. The cost for each ultrasound is $192 and insurance doesn't cover that. It doesn't cover fertility drugs either. It covers labs (bloodwork), semen analysis, and HSG but that's about it. I wish we could just do IUI, but $800+ vs. a little over $200? We just can't afford to pay $800 right now. We need to save some money. So hopefully we can do a few clomid cycles and be REALLY frugal and save money for an IUI. If we end up needed and IUI, hopefully the clomid will work and the money we save can go towards buying stuff for our baby! Unless the tests indicate we need to do an IUI. If that's the case we will do what we can to make that happen. I know our parents will be willing to help, well I know my mom will because she said she will today after I told her about our appointment. Josh's dad will be in town Sunday and josh is going to tell him what's going on and that were starting fertility testing and treatments. And I'm SURE his parents will offer to help if needed. I really don't want to ask our parents for help because they have done SO much for us, but I guess this isn't just for us, it's for them too. My mom wants me to have a baby al,oat as bad as I want it. And I'm sure his parents feel the same way. He's an only child and I know they will be beyond excited to have a grand baby!

So know I just have to wait for my period. I've never looked so forward to getting my period. I can't wait for it to start so I can get this cycle started! Usually my cycle is 28 but last month is was only 24 days long. I always get spotting anywhere from a day or two before to a week before I start my period and tonight I had a very small amount of very light pink spotting....and today is cd23 so I could start any day now. I'm hoping that it starts tomorrow or Friday because then I can call them and see when I need to go in, if they want to see me over the weekend, or if it can wait until Monday. (they schedule weekends appointments when necessary, but they aren't actually open on the weekends). If I get my period on Friday after they close or on Saturday I'm going to be freaking out all weekend. I guess it will work out though. It has to right? I work until 4 on Monday and they are only open until 5. I'm pretty sure that my boss will let me leave an hour early but I'm just hoping they will be able to see that late in the afternoon.

Here's hoping aunt flow shows up early! I'm so excited to get this cycle started!

Tomorrow morning

I will be at my RE consult in less then 12 hours. Holy fuck balls. When I stop and think about it my heart beat feels like it increases, my breath quickens, I get butterflies in my tummy, I get light headed. Holy fuck! I'm terrified. Like seriously. It could be good news (in my mind that would be something simple to fix), it could be bad news (like expensive, invasive treatments needed) or it could be unknown (which falls into bad I guess). I could walk away from it knowing what's wrong. Having a plan. That's what I hope for. Or I could walk away even more lost then I am now. I just want to have a baby. I want to know what we need to do to make that happen. I want a plan and I want to get moving with it already. I want answers. I want to be excited about a cycle, to have hope that it could actually end with a positive pregnancy test. To pee on a stick and see 2 bright pink lines. To feel nauseous and exhausted. I want to be pregnant. I want to plan the nursery, research and pick out baby stuff. Sew things and make things for my baby. See a baby inside me on the ultrasound screen and hear its heartbeat inside of me. Get a big belly. Feel it move inside of me. Have josh put his hand on my belly and feel our baby move. I want to pick out names (although we already have the boys name picked out). Buy baby clothes. I want all of this. So bad. And I feel like this appointment holds so much hope. I know that there's a chance that it might not. We may walk out disappointed and let down. BUT we might walk out of there with a reason, with knowledge, and with a plan!

I can not freakin wait for it to be 10 am tomorrow morning! I don't know how going to be able to get any sleep tonight.


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Tomorrow

Holy freak balls! My RE consult is tomorrow morning! I'm excited and completely terrified at the same time. I haven't been sleeping well at all and I'm sure tonight will be even worse! Last night I even took a bath and had some wine and I still couldn't sleep. It's all I can think about. Yesterday after work I printed out the new patient info that the lady at the clinic emailed me and we filled everything out. Josh is sort of uncomfortable with the whole thing, he doesn't really understand why he has to go but I'm hoping that after this appointment he'll understand more and be more involved in it all!

I'm glad work is keeping me busy today otherwise of be losing my mind worrying and wondering and thinking about it! And today after work I'm going out to eat and to see a movie with 2 friends and I'm so thankful for because it'll keep my mind off things! I'm a little bummed though because its my friend Shelly who I used to work with and you were good friends. We haven't really talked much or hung out recently but I feel like she's someone I could talk to about this, but she asked another girl I work with that we're friends with to go and I don't feel the same way about her. I don't think she'd understand and I just don't want to tell her. So I guess I won't be able to talk about it. At least hanging out with them will keep my mind off things!

I seriously can't wait for it to be tomorrow morning!


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Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for hope, among other things. I'm thankful for my loving hubby who puts up with my craziness, I'm thankful for my job, for our house, that we live well even if we sometimes struggle. But most of all, right now, I'm thankful for hope. For the hope that I currently have for the future of our family. For growing our family. The renewed hope of having a baby. We've tried for almost a year and a half and the last few months I had lost hope. But I decided to put on my big girl panties and do what needed to be done. I'm thankful that I finally made an appointment with a doctor, and I'm thankful that I am able to go to an RE without a referral or anything! Thanks to my insurance, which I have through my job, I was able to make an appointment straight with an RE who happens to run a fertility clinic. I'm thankful that my consult is less then a week away (6 days to be exact)! I'm thankful that soon we might have some answers and a plan. But mainly I'm thankful for the renewed hope that I AM going to have a baby. The hope that I AM going to make josh a dad. The hope that I AM going to be a mom! And the hope that we are going to make our parents grandparents! A little hope goes a long way!


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Kinda freakin out

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 weeks without losing my mind! I seriously can't get over the fact that I have an appointment at a fertility clinic. That I'm taking the next step. That we're (hopefully) going to find out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. That I'm going to have an ultrasound wand shoved in me (hopefully that'll give us some answers!).  I'm totally shocked and excited and nervous and freaking out! The appointment is on CD23 of this cycle so if they can see what's wrong on the ultrasound (or bloodwork) I think I could potentially start treatments next cycle! Holy freakin cow! I can't focus on anything. My mind is racing. I feel jittery. I really hope these next 2 weeks go by VERY quickly! Ive gotten so used to expecting to not get pregnant each cycle. I always hope and wish that I don't get my period and that I'm pregnant, but after 16 months I'm at the point where I expect that I'll get my period. Each month I expect to NOT be pregnant. I can't wrap my head around the idea that I could actually have hope for a different outcome as early as next cycle. I already feel a renewed sense of hope and excitement. But I'm seriously freaking out! Good thing work is crazy busy right now, at least that'll keep me busy and hopefully keep my mind off this, at work at least!