Tomorrow morning

I will be at my RE consult in less then 12 hours. Holy fuck balls. When I stop and think about it my heart beat feels like it increases, my breath quickens, I get butterflies in my tummy, I get light headed. Holy fuck! I'm terrified. Like seriously. It could be good news (in my mind that would be something simple to fix), it could be bad news (like expensive, invasive treatments needed) or it could be unknown (which falls into bad I guess). I could walk away from it knowing what's wrong. Having a plan. That's what I hope for. Or I could walk away even more lost then I am now. I just want to have a baby. I want to know what we need to do to make that happen. I want a plan and I want to get moving with it already. I want answers. I want to be excited about a cycle, to have hope that it could actually end with a positive pregnancy test. To pee on a stick and see 2 bright pink lines. To feel nauseous and exhausted. I want to be pregnant. I want to plan the nursery, research and pick out baby stuff. Sew things and make things for my baby. See a baby inside me on the ultrasound screen and hear its heartbeat inside of me. Get a big belly. Feel it move inside of me. Have josh put his hand on my belly and feel our baby move. I want to pick out names (although we already have the boys name picked out). Buy baby clothes. I want all of this. So bad. And I feel like this appointment holds so much hope. I know that there's a chance that it might not. We may walk out disappointed and let down. BUT we might walk out of there with a reason, with knowledge, and with a plan!

I can not freakin wait for it to be 10 am tomorrow morning! I don't know how going to be able to get any sleep tonight.


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