Emotional pain

I'm still on a high. The adrenaline is still pumping. I still can't believe I have an appointment with a RE in 2 weeks! For the first time in a long time my hope is renewed. But I just discovered that it still hurts. I just realized that the pain of the past 16 months of disappointing cycles isn't just going to go away. Although right now the excitement and the prospect of renewed hope seems to have dulled the pain. Josh has a group of friends who have been very close since elementary school. I've known them all since highschool. A few of the guys where in our wedding. One traveled from the other side of the country for our wedding. Literally. Him and his wife (fiancé at the time of our wedding) live in New Jersey and he came to CA to be a part of our wedding. Josh was supposed to be in his wedding but we weren't able to make it to their wedding because we were in the process of moving to utah when they got married and we just couldn't make it there. Anyways...a few months ago we found out that they are expecting there first child. We were out and I had a meltdown in public when josh found out. I tried so hard to keep my shit together but I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face. It was a very low moment for me. I was happy for them, but at the same time hurting for myself and josh. We had already been trying for at least a year and I could remember them talking when we first started trying and him telling josh they wanted to wait awhile. It just hurt.

Well tonight they talked and they're having a girl. I'm excited for them, but I still felt that pain. He asked josh about us having kids and it really hurt to hear josh try to avoid specifics. To not say we're trying, not say we're not, just trying to sound casual about it. It was a stab of pain. Him talking about how they thought it would take longer but it happened so fast. They didn't expect it to happen the first try. He was just talking to his good friend, no idea what we're going through. No idea that we've been trying for as long as we have. He didn't mean to cause us pain, or rub it in our face, but it did. This hope I have, the faith I have in this appointment is helping me to not be so hurt. But I still feel the pain. I'm sure I always will. Even if I ended up pregnant next month I would still feel this pain. I don't think it will ever go away, but I hope the pain will fade and sting less at least.


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