My momma

My mom is my best friend. I love her so much. We have an amazing relationship. I respect her, I look up to her, she's awesome! And I miss her like crazy and hate living so far away from her! But tomorrow she will be here! Visiting us, staying with us AND... Looking at houses and making plans for her moving her with us!!! Yay!!! I can't wait!


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Always moving forward

I always liked the hubs. Way back before we were together I dated one of his friends. I got to know the future hubs (FH) as a friend. I had a think for him from the beginning. I was jealous of the girls he dated. I cared more about what he thought then what my boyfriend thought. That boyfriend and I broke up and I knew FH was going to be moving away, to another state, for work. Fast forward 3-4 years and I went with my mom to her friends house, her friend happened to live right up the street from FH parents house, as we passed their house I thought about him and had the urge to get in touch. We were friends on my.space and even though we hadn't talked in years I wrote him a comment on there. He was back in town, living with his parents. We made plans to hang out and when I told my best friend she said something about him maybe being the one and that he's a nice guy, and I was all "No, it's not like that! We're just friends." I was totally lying. To myself and to her. I was so nervous that night. I was house sitting at my sisters house and I had him and my best friend and her guy over to hang out and go in the spa. He stayed all night. We made out pretty much all night and the next night too. That was the end of June. From there on we spent pretty much every evening together. He was working nights so I would spend a few hours with him before he had to go to work. Mainly watching movies and cuddling on the couch. A month after we started hanging out we made it official. He wanted to tell his friend first, you know the one that was my ex boyfriend. That was August. He was traveling out of state to New Mexico pretty often for work and he had a feeling hey were going to ask him to move there for work. He asked me if they did if I'd be willing to go with him. That was october-ish. In November it happened, they offered him the promotion which involved moving to New Mexico. That was November. He came home for the holidays and when he left to go back to NM after new years I went with him. We knew it was temporary, thank God because I hated NM. He proposed in July and we got married a year later in July. About a month before our wedding I went back to CA to prepare for the wedding and we knew our time in NM was coming to an end and we thought we'd be moving back to CA. So because of that after our wedding I stayed in CA to start looking for a job there. Then the talking started...another promotion, another move, another state. We talked about it, over the phone since we were states away, a lot. We made the choice we thought would be best for our future. For the family we wanted to have. We moved to salt lake city Utah. And it was one of the best decisions we ever made. While I miss my family, I live it here. We moved into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment to save money to buy a house. We bought our house in may of last year. I was so excited. After living in an apartment in NM and then here in UT I was so exited to have our own house! I could paint and decorate and it would be our home! Well that didn't really happen. I couldn't decide on colors or how I wanted to decorate. And just when I did hubs started saying things about moving. "I don't want to put anymore holes on the walls" "I don't think we should paint, neutral colors will sell better" talk of having a better yard. Then my mom, who've we've been trying to get to move here since we moved her, decided she's ready to move here. We want her to live with us. She's my best friend. And she'll be a major help when we have kids. Well as big as this house seemed when we bought it (we thought the finished basement would be plenty of room for her) the house seems to small now. We need something bigger. A house we can grow into and stay in for a long time. We learned a lot after buying our this house. What we love, what we hate, what we need and what we want in a house. Especially once kids are added to the mix. So we are now looking at houses and trying to figure out the whole selling buying thing. We are just in the very beginning stages and have a lot of work and decisions ahead of us. But I'm just looking forward to being settled. Our life together has been an unexpected whirlwind from the beginning and I'm so lolling forward to finding a place we can call home for a very long time. A place I can see us raising our kids in. Not just a place we live until the next place. A home.

Wow. This post was just to say how crazy we are for deciding to move after buying our house only a little over a yet ago and it turned into the story of us!

I also think I've made a decision that I'm not quite ready to admit to yet, but maybe soon!


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So fresh and so clean

This week I starting trying to clean following my new cleaning schedule! Last night I cleaned our master bathroom. My hubby cleaned the basement bathroom recently and the upstairs guest bathroom doesn't really get used so I skipped that one since it only needs a quick once over and I'll be doing that this weekend before my mom gets here next week. Usually I completely stress out about getting the house clean before we have company come visit and stay with us because it takes a whole day to get the house clean and I don't end up getting it all done. So with my new plan I should get everything clean during the week and have time this weekend for any extra cleaning and finishing touches!

So today I'm going to clean up the kitchen and dining area!



I haven't really worked out other then taking the dogs on a short walk last night. I'm not working out with my trainer anymore because we're really trying to save money right now so now I need to find motivation and a routine that works for me. The saving money part is helping with my eating though. We aren't eating out as much and it my not be the healthiest but we are trying to eat cheap foods. I've been eating top ramen for lunch most days. It's not the best choice, but it's better then what I was eating before.

I've been in a funk the past few days, upset, disappointed, frustrated, defeated, to name a few emotions I've had going on. The realization that it's been 1 year since we starting trying to have a baby. It's a heavy weight on my chest right now. 1 year. I tell myself that we weren't actively trying every month in the past year but it doesn't make me feel any better. Most months I used ovulation predictors. They say that at 1 year if you haven't gotten pregnant that you should seek medical help. That's scary. I don't know if I should do that or if I should keep trying and working on myself. I know I'm over weight and I know that could be an issue with getting pregnant. I know that it will probably be a doctors recommendation to lose weight. I know that I want to lose weight before I get pregnant, but no matter how much I want that I want a baby more so it often gets put on the back burner. I know I need to work on myself. I'm thinking that for the next 5-6 months I want to work on myself, working out, eating better, being happier with myself. Of course I don't want to stop TTCing (and I won't). But I think I need to do this before I seek medical help with TTCing. And also I know that right now we can't afford infertility tests and treatments. My health insurance doesn't cover it. So in these next few months of we can save some money and pay off some credit cards we might be in a better place financially to start looking into going that route.

While I know all this it doesn't make it any easier right now. It's so frustrating. 1 year of trying, wanting, praying and no success. Other people get knocked up so easily. It just sucks.


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Cleaning

AF showed up on Tuesday. That sucks. I was really hopeful this month, so I was really upset when she showed up. It was all I focused on and thought about for the last 2 weeks. I was really bummed yesterday. But today my focus has shifted and I'm back to "focus on myself" mindset. The past few months I've been trying to focus on myself and by the time I think I'm close to ovulation my mind shifts to that. I think "I'll just pee on 1 little stick to see if I'm right" then if it's negative "well I'll just keep testing just to see when I ovulate so I can keep track of that". Yeah right. You can't focus on that without making sure you do "it" at the right times. Or at least I can't. It's all consuming. Then it becomes "I ovulated, we did it, this could be it! Or maybe it's just like every other month. Or maybe things happened just right this month!" and on and on. Then AF shows up and I'm sad and depressed about it and then I'm all motivated again. This shit consumes my life. It's a horrible cycle.

One of the main things that doesn't get taken care of is housework. I hate cleaning. I love it when every things nice and clean, but I hate the process of getting it that way. Our house isn't "dirty" but I'd be embarrassed if someone came over. It's messy and needs to be cleaned. Our large kitchen counter is a catch all and stuff just piles up, so then the dining table becomes a place for us to drop stuff off instead of putting it away. We've lived in our house for 1 year and I still struggle with finding a way to do it all, keep it all clean without overwhelming myself. It's always gets to a point where I just have to clean the whole house at one time and it's overwhelming. We have a 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bathroom, 3 story house (including finished basement). So I'm going to try something different. I made a list and I'm going to clean certain rooms on different days. Here's my plan so far : Monday's-clean bathrooms, wash towels and rugs. Tuesday's-clean kitchen, dining area, and living room. Wednesday's-change/wash sheets, clean bedroom, pick up craft room of needed. Fridays-clean basement living room. I think that this will work out some much better then spending pretty much a whole day cleaning the whole house! And I made the cleaning schedule based on my work schedule so I know I'll have enough time on each of those days to do the cleaning I need to do! I think I'll be better able to enjoy my days off work because I won't have to spend it cleaning, I'll be able to do things I want to do like craft projects! Now hopefully I can find a way to fit in daily workouts too. Next week my goal is going to be to wake up earlier and work out...I'm so not a morning person so it's going to be rough. But I have to make it a priority. For my health. For my happiness. And hopefully i can keep up with these goals and stay motivated the whole month and beyond! I'm also going to try very hard not to use any ovulation tests and not worry about TTCing. I know it'll be in the back of my head, but that's ok as long as it doesn't consume my mind, time, and energy. I need to take control of my life outside of TTCing.

Hopefully July will be a month of keeping a clean house, working out, eating healthy, and getting some craft projects accomplished! It's also our 2 year wedding anniversary and well be going to park city for a weekend and my mom will also be visiting us for a week! Yay! July is going to be a fun and (hopefully) successful month for me!

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Anticipation of disappointment

I always have a sign that aunt flow's about to make her monthly appearance anywhere from 2-7 days before hand. TMI: I always have some form of spotting. Sometimes even just a tiny bit of light pink on toilet paper. Sometimes it's more, sometimes it's darker, but always something. AF is supposed to visit tomorrow or the next day and I haven't any spotting. At all. Every time I go to the bathroom I know it will happen (seeing some form of spotting) but it doesn't. And each time it gives me a little more hope. We did "it" a lot and during the right time this month so technically speaking it could totally happen. But it could have totally happened most months during the past year and it didn't so I am trying REALLY hard not to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. My boobs are sore and I'm emotional. But that doesn't tell me anything. I took a test this morning and I pretty much convinced myself that I could almost see a second line, like so so so faint that it's almost not there. I actually dug it out of the trash later on to look at it again. And I could still convince myself that there could be a line there but it's just too early. And because I have a kinda short luteal phase (11-12 days versus 14) so its probably to early to get a positive. So that doesn't help either. That gives me hope that AF won't show and I'll be pregnant. But I know I won't. And I'll just be disappointed. Again.


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Wants

I want...
* to lose weight
* to be stronger
* to have confidence in myself
* to find something I love career wise
* to be better at cleaning my house
* to be better at saving money
* to be rich
* to travel all over the world
* to be able to see my family more, live closer to them

But more then anything I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I'm ready for it. I ache for it. My mind is consumed with "when will it be my time?", "when will my prayers be answered?", "what do I need to do to make this happen?", "when do I need to do 'it' for it to happen?", "are we doing it at the wrong time? Not often enough? Too often? On the wrong days?", "should I chart my temps? Use ovulation prediction strips?" Wasn't it supposed to be unprotected sex=pregnancy?! Isn't that how it's supposed to work?

I've been trying so hard to focus on myself, my workouts, and I've been doing really good. Until this week. It just hit me: i don't want to wait any longer. I'm going to be 29 in 2 months, I'm ready now. I keep seeing itty bitty babies at work and my uterus squeals "aww! How cute! I want one!" I see pregnant ladies and think "I can't wait for that!"

I guess I just need to keep trying to focus on myself, being healthier, losing weight and just keep trying. And hoping.


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Playing catch up

I've been working twice a week with Vanessa (Hubbies cousin who is working on becoming a personal trainer) and I feel stronger, healthier, and thinner but the number on the scale hasn't changed. I know I need to add in cardio a few days a week on my own and I know I need to eat better. I really need to get my eating under control. I know that's what will truly help me make a difference in my weight loss.

I need to find a better way to balance my life. Working, working out, taking care of our animals (oh by the way, we got a new puppy. An 8 week old black lab. We named her sadie), time for my hubby, keeping my house clean, and my hobbies (craft projects, house decorating projects, reading). If I'm doing great in one area it feels like I'm slacking in the other areas. I really need to make myself a schedule and try to follow it. Maybe if I actually schedule my life I'll be able to better handle it. So this week I'm going to make myself a schedule and see if that helps me. Hopefully it will!

Here's the new pup:



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