Slightly uncomfortable

So my mom knows we've been trying to get pregnant for awhile. Today she emailed me saying that she had dinner with my cousins wife last night (who I seriously love and while I don't really want her telling people about our issues I'm ok with her talking about it to this person) and she told my mom that when there oldest was 1 they decided to start trying to have another baby, he was unplanned so they thought it would be easy. Well over a year later she still hadn't gotten pregnant so she went to the dr and was told that "lubricant" could prevent it from happening. Soon after they got pregnant with their second boy. Omg. She did start the email with "this might be a little tmi coming from your mother..." My mom and I are very close and she's one of my best friends, but getting an email from her about lube was a little, um, uncomfortable. I'd does make my laugh thinking about it now though!


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A little motivation

I saw an idea on Pinterest where you use 2 glass vases/containers and little floral rocks/pebbles (craft stores have them in their floral departments. They look kinda like marbles but one side is flat. Anyways, you count out the rocks, 1 for every pound you want to lose, and put them into one of the vases. For every pound you lose you move a rock into the other one. You can label them "pounds to lose" and "pounds lost" or something like that. I have labeled mine yet. But I decided to try this idea. And I have to admit it feels really satisfying to move a rock from the fuller one to the emptier one! It's a great way to see how far you have to go and down the line how much you've accomplished. Anything that gives me some motivation is a plus on my mind so I think this is great!




Here are my glasses, one with 62 rocks and the other with 5. It was empty at the beginning of the week and it feels good that it's not empty anymore!
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Not so great, but not so bad

So I didn't reach my first goal. I started at 227 on Sunday and wanted to get to 220 by today. My goal was to lose 5 pounds a week for the next 3 weeks but I really wanted to get to 220 this first week. So that's 7 pounds not 5, and in only 5 days. Well I did lose 5lbs! That makes me happy even though I didn't get to 220 (I'm at 222). So technically I met my goal of losing 5 lbs this week. I think it could have been 6-7 but I had a dinner Tuesday night that I shouldn't have had. I ate at work and then I got home late and hubby was at dinner with his dad and offered to bring me food home. I had chicken tenders and fries. I should have just said no. I really shouldn't eat that late (10pm) and definitely shouldn't be eating that kind of food! But when I'm tired and hungry its hard to make good choices. It will serve as motivation to good choices though, thinking that I maybe could have met that goal if I hadn't have had that meal. I also worked out twice (so far) this week for 40 minutes at a time on the elliptical! So that's really good! Onto the next goal! 5-7 pounds this week!


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Moving right along

Luckily AF is here. I've had some really light spotting and cramps for a few days but today she has officially arrived (TMI?! Oh well). I say luckily because, even though I wasn't expecting it until tomorrow, I was really struggling with trying not to think I was pregnant. I KNEW I wasn't, but the little voice in my head was trying to convince me otherwise. So I'm glad. It's here and it'll be gone in a few days. Time to move forward. I'm sticking to my guns and I am going to try really hard to focus on myself. On losing weight. It's something that I really need and want to do before I get pregnant and it might even help me get pregnant. That doesn't mean I'm going to prevent pregnancy from happening but I'm going to put TTCing on the back burner for a few months. Maybe through the end of the year, or maybe just for 2-3 months. It's going to depend on how much change I can make in myself, when I'm happier with myself, when I feel healthier, I'll put TTCing back to my main focus. I'm going to try to focus on small, short term goals to get me to my main goal. My first goal started this week and it's to lose 15 pounds by my birthday which is August 9th. I've already lost 2 pounds this week, so I'm hoping for 3 more this week and then 5 next week and the week after. It's not going to be easy but I think it'll be a good jump start and I really think I can do it. I've been trying to lower the amount of carbs I'm eating and that seems to really be helping! Carbs are one of my biggest problems when it comes to diet and weight loss. I feel like carbs (and sugar) have the biggest effect on my weight. I think that setting these smaller goals will make it easy to stay focused and feel successful on this weight loss journey. When I look at the big picture of how much weight I'd like to lose it can be discouraging. It's a big number (65 pounds) and sometimes seems unattainable, but when I make small goals and I'm able to reach those goals I will feel good. I will feel more motivated, like "wow, I did it! I reached this goal! Now onto the next one!" It will make the journey easier and more rewarding. I'm not sure what my next goal will be but I'm thinking maybe I will do 15 pound increments and pick a date on the calendar and some kind of small reward at the end of the goal if I reach my goal. Maybe a pedicure? And as I get closer to my end goal maybe my reward will me a new shirt or other piece of clothing. Or maybe a sushi dinner. I know I shouldn't reward myself with food, but if looking forward to a nice dinner out, eating my favorite food, with my hubby keeps me focused and motivates me I don't see anything wrong with that.

I'm going to try to get in some working out too, but my main focus is my diet. I know it's what will make the biggest difference.

I plan on weighing myself on Thursday and I'm hoping I can lose 3 pounds before then!


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Re-arrange

I love to re-arrange furniture. Growing up I was constantly changing my room around around. I would get tired of the way it was and re arranging it made it feel fresh and new. I'm still that. For the most part though, as far our house goes, we found what works and we've left it that way for the most part (and we've only loved here for a year). We did re arrange the basement living room because hubby and I both had the same idea and thought it would be a much better layout and it is! Then there's my craft room. It has a rather large day bed in the room so it doubles as a guest room. I've moved furniture and rearranged things a few times and I just haven't been able to get it to a place where it functions well for me. It was ok when I just needed space for my sewing machine. Then I got the silhouette cameo for Christmas and there was no space in there to use that. When I wanted to use it I would bring it along with my paper, vinyl, tools, ect down into the basement, use the coffee table and sit on the floor. A few times I even set everything up on my bed. I've really been wanting to try the print and cut feature of the cameo so after finding my printer in a box in the garage a while back I finally got around to re arranging the room. I moved the bed to were I wanted it and them I sat there on the bed for the longest time looking at the corner of the room I wanted to be my "work station" and the furniture I had to work with. It was really the only corner that would work because of the set up of the room (where the door and the closet are). I have a small desk, long dresser and 2 book cases. I wanted a "U" or "L" shape because then I would have a lot more workspace. I ended up doing a "U" shape and the room isn't done yet but it seems like its going to work so much better! I got it all set up and wanted to play with my cameo and try out the print and cut feature. I turned on my laptop and printer, plugged the cord into my cameo and computer and downloaded an image I put a piece of paper into the printer and then looked at the screen thinking that something was missing. Duh. The cord that connects the printer to the computer. I have no clue where the cord could be. Other then still in the box. Which is buried in the garage. Uh. That sucks. Well at least I got things set up. Now I'll just have to finish cleaning up and organizing the room and find that cord. I would love to put up some shelves to make it even more useful but since we're considering moving I don't want to put any holes in the wall. Once I get it cleaned up and organized I'll have to post some pics!

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Good things

A little back story... When we moved here to Utah we decided that I would wait to look for a job. We moved here on September and we wanted to go home to SoCal for Christmas and then we were going on our honeymoon in February so we thought it would be better to wait then to try to get the time off with a new job. The week we got home I started applying places, mainly retail, I wanted a fun and easy job. Nothing stressful after my last job that practically caused a nervous breakdown (not the job alone but mixed with other things). So I thought "where would it be fun to work? Where would I enjoy working?" I decided to apply at a craft type store (similar to michaels or Joanns) that we didn't have at home in CA (although I have to add that we now have stores there). I loved the store and had a lot of fun shopping there. I turned in my application and got a call soon after for an interview. I interviewed and got hired the next day. I was hired as part time/seasonal and was working close to 40 hrs a week. I liked it, but around that time we found out that we were paying twice as much as we'd thought for me to be on hubby's insurance. The cost that we thought was monthly turned out to be bi-weekly. We're talking $800 a month. Wow. And the only way to get me off of his insurance was 1. If I died. 2. If we got divorced. 3. If I had a job that offered insurance and I got insured that way. Seriously?! So I was kinda freaking out : do I start looking for a full time job elsewhere that provides benefits? Do I talk to my manager at my new job? Well it turned out I didn't have to worry about it. I was offered a full time position as a department head. It wasn't perfect but it was good. The department is the biggest and toughest to work in in the store. But I did good. It was a year in may that I've been in that position and it hasn't been horrible but I'm not exactly happy there anymore. The woman I work with is...I don't even know how to describe her...as many people at work have said she's a bitch. She doesn't like our manager (different manager then when I started) so she bad mouths him constantly, she thinks she's special and can just do whatever she wants and will get away with it. She's fake, loud and rude. If we are both working an a cashier needs a price check or customer assistance with something in our department they call me, not her, because they don't like her. I'm tired of working with her. She treats me like her assistant or something. She actually introduced me to her kids as her "helper" once. When the reality is that "our" department is actually 2 separate departments and mine is bigger. Like 1000 items bigger.

I didn't really see opportunity elsewhere in the store so I was recently thinking that maybe it was time to move on. To start looking for a job elsewhere. But the fact that I didn't dislike my job, just my co-worker who I unfortunately have to work closely with, and that I have friends at work, and make pretty good money kept me from actually looking and applying for any other jobs. Then one day my manager called me into his office to talk. He wanted to know of I'd be willing to move to another department. Heck yes I would! Someone was leaving and he had to figure out who to replace her with and it might cause some other moves within the store. There are departments in the store that I think I'd hate working and I hoped and prayed for things to work out so I could be in a department I'd enjoy working in and be able to not have to work with the particular coworker I didn't like anymore. Well he asked to talk to me Tuesday morning and said that he's made his decision... Would I be willing to move to scrapbooking. And also be a part time customer service manager (the person up front, in charge of the cashiers, approve returns, customer service, assist cashiers with any issues). Um, let me think about it...hell yeah!! This is the best scenario I could have imagined or prayed for! The other girl in that department is a friend and we get along great. We won't have any trouble working together. I will be so much happier in this department. And while being up front part time will be somewhat stressful, I really think its something that I'll be good at. it hasn't been announced yet and my manager has asked me to not say anything to anyone about it. This is way hard! I want to tell my friend that I'll be working with her! She knows that the lady she works with know is the managers first choice as a replacement for the person leaving, but she has no idea who might take her place. I can't wait for it to be announced so I can be openly excited about it at work. One thing I've learned from this is that if you have a secret, do not tell me! I am no food at keeping a secret! Well ok, I can keep a secret but it drives me crazy!!! Itching to tell someone! Anyone! And everyone! It's bad!

With all the stress and hurt of TTCing sometimes it's hard to see the things I'm blessed with. We may not be the most religious people, but I have faith, I believe in God and that he has a plan and a part in everything I do. Everything happens for a reason and he is the reason. During the ttcing process this is a hard thing to remember, but thinking about my job and how blessed I am when it comes to that aspect of my life I wanted to acknowledge it. To be thankful. To feel blessed. Even though i haven't yet been blessed with a pregnancy and a child, I am blessed in other aspects of my life, and for that I am thankful.

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Finding motivation

I've been lacking motivation. It's so much easier to be lazy, eat unhealthy foods (so much easier to get drive thru on the way home from work then come home and cook a meal) and just not think about. When I'm home I wear sweat pants or yoga pants and tank tops, when I go to work I wear khaki pants and my work shirt. It's easy to hide behind my clothes. They fit and as far as work goes its what I have to wear so I don't really even have to look in the mirror. But when we go out I have to wear real clothes, I have a few things that fit and I put them on an look in the mirror to see how I look and Ewww. I hate it. I look fat. I look huge. No matter what I wear I can't hide it (at least not in the summer, when its colder I can hide myself with sweatshirts). This weekend my mom was here and I had 4 days off work. Friday evening through Sunday morning hubby and I were in park city for our anniversary. So I had to wear actual clothes. It was horrible. I was uncomfortable the whole time I was anywhere. I was so self conscious and I just felt huge. It made me realize that I have to change. I need to find motivation. So this morning I found my favorite pair of jeans. When hubby and I started dating they were almost too big. They weren't my skinniest jeans, I wasn't at my thinest in them, but I was at a happy, healthy weight. They were comfy and cute and I felt and looked good in them. They haven't fit me in like 3 years. I want to fit onto them again. They are my goal. I got them out and paired them with some of my cutest tops that don't fit me anymore and I took some pics. So now when I need motivation I can look at those pics. I also left them hanging by my bed where I can see them every day. I'm going to try to start getting earlier and working out in the mornings before work so hopefully when my alarm goes off I'll see them and instead of hitting snooze I'll get up and work out! I was going to take these pictures and then get out my silhouette cameo and be crafty since I had a few hours until I had to leave for work but instead I took the pics and decided to work out! I spend 40 minutes on the elliptical and then did some bicep curls, presses, rows, squats, lunges and calf raises. So I guess my new motivation idea worked! I'm also going to try to eat a low(er) carb diet. I know my biggest problem is what I eat and how much I eat. I know diet is what will make the biggest difference in my weight loss.

I want to be able to take a picture of me and hubby to use for a Christmas card. I want to be thin and feel good about myself and confident enough to take the picture and send it out. I want to like what I see in the photo.


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I've completely lost my mind

I think I could not have sex for a whole cycle and still be able to convince myself that somehow I might be pregnant. I think I've lost my mind. Let me explain...
This past cycle was way busy. Me staying up later then my hubby to try to get stuff done before my mom got here to visit us for a week and I'm not going to lie I felt burned out. I wanted to take the pressure off. I was feeling way stressed out, overwhelmed, and sad about it being the one year mark since we stopped preventing and staring trying to have a baby. I was completely turned off. So we didn't even have sex until we went away this past weekend for our 2nd wedding anniversary, which would make that CD 18. And here I am looking at my fertility.friend app counting the days. I usually have a shorter luteal phase. On a 26-27 day cycle I know I've ovulated on cd 16 or 17 before so if my cycle is 28 days like it was last month I "could" have ovulated on CD18 and I "could" have gotten pregnant. Are you freakin kidding me?! This did not happen. I am not pregnant. I should not have any hope for this. But I seriously can't help it. I tell myself this and then I think well it hasn't happened so far, maybe our problem is that we haven't really been having sex past when I think I've ovulated. I know (based on OPK's) that I ovulate around CD16, so I always make sure that we do it pretty much everyday leading up to that for like a week or more, so then cd15 or 16 comes along and we need a break and I think well sperm can live on there for awhile so even if I don't ovulate until tomorrow we should be good. Could I be ovulating later then I think I am? Ahhh I'm so confused. I convince myself that I could be, when I know I'm not going to be. I know AF will show on a week and I'll just be disappointed.

I told hubby that next month we're doing it every other day from the end of my period to the beginning of the next one (which hopefully there won't be!) So well have all our bases covered as far as timing goes!

But seriously I'm losing my mind.


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My momma

My mom is my best friend. I love her so much. We have an amazing relationship. I respect her, I look up to her, she's awesome! And I miss her like crazy and hate living so far away from her! But tomorrow she will be here! Visiting us, staying with us AND... Looking at houses and making plans for her moving her with us!!! Yay!!! I can't wait!


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Always moving forward

I always liked the hubs. Way back before we were together I dated one of his friends. I got to know the future hubs (FH) as a friend. I had a think for him from the beginning. I was jealous of the girls he dated. I cared more about what he thought then what my boyfriend thought. That boyfriend and I broke up and I knew FH was going to be moving away, to another state, for work. Fast forward 3-4 years and I went with my mom to her friends house, her friend happened to live right up the street from FH parents house, as we passed their house I thought about him and had the urge to get in touch. We were friends on my.space and even though we hadn't talked in years I wrote him a comment on there. He was back in town, living with his parents. We made plans to hang out and when I told my best friend she said something about him maybe being the one and that he's a nice guy, and I was all "No, it's not like that! We're just friends." I was totally lying. To myself and to her. I was so nervous that night. I was house sitting at my sisters house and I had him and my best friend and her guy over to hang out and go in the spa. He stayed all night. We made out pretty much all night and the next night too. That was the end of June. From there on we spent pretty much every evening together. He was working nights so I would spend a few hours with him before he had to go to work. Mainly watching movies and cuddling on the couch. A month after we started hanging out we made it official. He wanted to tell his friend first, you know the one that was my ex boyfriend. That was August. He was traveling out of state to New Mexico pretty often for work and he had a feeling hey were going to ask him to move there for work. He asked me if they did if I'd be willing to go with him. That was october-ish. In November it happened, they offered him the promotion which involved moving to New Mexico. That was November. He came home for the holidays and when he left to go back to NM after new years I went with him. We knew it was temporary, thank God because I hated NM. He proposed in July and we got married a year later in July. About a month before our wedding I went back to CA to prepare for the wedding and we knew our time in NM was coming to an end and we thought we'd be moving back to CA. So because of that after our wedding I stayed in CA to start looking for a job there. Then the talking started...another promotion, another move, another state. We talked about it, over the phone since we were states away, a lot. We made the choice we thought would be best for our future. For the family we wanted to have. We moved to salt lake city Utah. And it was one of the best decisions we ever made. While I miss my family, I live it here. We moved into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment to save money to buy a house. We bought our house in may of last year. I was so excited. After living in an apartment in NM and then here in UT I was so exited to have our own house! I could paint and decorate and it would be our home! Well that didn't really happen. I couldn't decide on colors or how I wanted to decorate. And just when I did hubs started saying things about moving. "I don't want to put anymore holes on the walls" "I don't think we should paint, neutral colors will sell better" talk of having a better yard. Then my mom, who've we've been trying to get to move here since we moved her, decided she's ready to move here. We want her to live with us. She's my best friend. And she'll be a major help when we have kids. Well as big as this house seemed when we bought it (we thought the finished basement would be plenty of room for her) the house seems to small now. We need something bigger. A house we can grow into and stay in for a long time. We learned a lot after buying our this house. What we love, what we hate, what we need and what we want in a house. Especially once kids are added to the mix. So we are now looking at houses and trying to figure out the whole selling buying thing. We are just in the very beginning stages and have a lot of work and decisions ahead of us. But I'm just looking forward to being settled. Our life together has been an unexpected whirlwind from the beginning and I'm so lolling forward to finding a place we can call home for a very long time. A place I can see us raising our kids in. Not just a place we live until the next place. A home.

Wow. This post was just to say how crazy we are for deciding to move after buying our house only a little over a yet ago and it turned into the story of us!

I also think I've made a decision that I'm not quite ready to admit to yet, but maybe soon!


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So fresh and so clean

This week I starting trying to clean following my new cleaning schedule! Last night I cleaned our master bathroom. My hubby cleaned the basement bathroom recently and the upstairs guest bathroom doesn't really get used so I skipped that one since it only needs a quick once over and I'll be doing that this weekend before my mom gets here next week. Usually I completely stress out about getting the house clean before we have company come visit and stay with us because it takes a whole day to get the house clean and I don't end up getting it all done. So with my new plan I should get everything clean during the week and have time this weekend for any extra cleaning and finishing touches!

So today I'm going to clean up the kitchen and dining area!



I haven't really worked out other then taking the dogs on a short walk last night. I'm not working out with my trainer anymore because we're really trying to save money right now so now I need to find motivation and a routine that works for me. The saving money part is helping with my eating though. We aren't eating out as much and it my not be the healthiest but we are trying to eat cheap foods. I've been eating top ramen for lunch most days. It's not the best choice, but it's better then what I was eating before.

I've been in a funk the past few days, upset, disappointed, frustrated, defeated, to name a few emotions I've had going on. The realization that it's been 1 year since we starting trying to have a baby. It's a heavy weight on my chest right now. 1 year. I tell myself that we weren't actively trying every month in the past year but it doesn't make me feel any better. Most months I used ovulation predictors. They say that at 1 year if you haven't gotten pregnant that you should seek medical help. That's scary. I don't know if I should do that or if I should keep trying and working on myself. I know I'm over weight and I know that could be an issue with getting pregnant. I know that it will probably be a doctors recommendation to lose weight. I know that I want to lose weight before I get pregnant, but no matter how much I want that I want a baby more so it often gets put on the back burner. I know I need to work on myself. I'm thinking that for the next 5-6 months I want to work on myself, working out, eating better, being happier with myself. Of course I don't want to stop TTCing (and I won't). But I think I need to do this before I seek medical help with TTCing. And also I know that right now we can't afford infertility tests and treatments. My health insurance doesn't cover it. So in these next few months of we can save some money and pay off some credit cards we might be in a better place financially to start looking into going that route.

While I know all this it doesn't make it any easier right now. It's so frustrating. 1 year of trying, wanting, praying and no success. Other people get knocked up so easily. It just sucks.


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