Formula

Jackson will be 4 weeks old tomorrow and today I gave him formula for the first time.

Last night was horrible. Our worst night yet. He wanted to nurse every hour, for about 30 minutes, and he wouldn't really go to sleep in between. So far he's slept in the rock and play because I've been to scared to fall asleep with him in the bed, but last night the only way I could get some sleep was to hold him. I try to nurse laying down, but we really struggle with that because of how large my boobs are (nursing bra I got is 38 I) so I tried that for a little bit and then I just laid there on my side with him in my arm and he slept an I was able to get a little sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours. Definitely not enough. He nursed 19 times yesterday, so my nipples are so sore. I nursed him this morning and then we were going to go to the store and I knew he'd want to eat again so I pumped (about an hour after he nursed) and didn't even get a full ounce. I just feel so defeated. So I opened up the box in the cabinet that similac sent to me and mixed the small bottle of liquid formula in with the breast milk. I ended up with about 3 oz and he ate all but a few drops of it. So well so how he does with it and for I'll have to decide what I want to do for the rest of the day but I will probably give him another bottle with pumped milk formula tonight before bed and hopefully it will help him sleep better. I want to always make sure I pump even if he has an only formula bottle because 1. It will help keep up my milk supply and 2. It will build a freezer stash of breast milk and hopefully eventually he can have only breast milk.

I kinda feel like a failure. I haven't even told josh yet that I gave him formula. I really want him to be breast feed. It's really important to me and I know that its what's best for him, but I am exhausted and having such a hard time right now. My boobs need a break. And honestly breastfeeding was beginning to feel like a dreaded chore, especially at night. Mainly because my nipples hurt and having to sit up and get all situated to be able to nurse and knowing he could go for 20 mins or an hour and there was no way to know how long he'd want to nurse for. And half the time he'd sleep when he was nursing. Now nursing (at least this afternoon) is more enjoyable. There's less worry and pressure knowing that its ok and I can give him a bottle of formula if I need to. Of course I feel ashamed of the fact that I'm giving my baby formula and that I'm ok with it. I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can and what's best for us and my sanity.

Hopefully we'll have a better night tonight!


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