Dare

I used to be the girl that would pretty much do anything you dared her to. I was BAD. Kiss that random cute boy at the party? Ok. Strip down to bra and panties and jump in that public apartment buildings pool? Sure!

Like I said I was bad. But I think it's time for a good dare. An adult dare. I heard about this book called the love dare a while back and downloaded it on my kindle app. I read a few pages and was thinking ok, this makes a lot of sense. Then the hubs made me mad and I was already in a bad mode so that idea went out the window. Well I want to improve my marriage. I want to be a better wife. I want to make my hubby happier. So I'm going to try it out. I'm going to read the book. I'm going to implement it in my marriage. I figure I can improve my marriage while we're in the TTC process. Our marriage isn't bad but it could use improvement. There are times we get on each others nerves, times we drive each other crazy. Times when I have no patience for him and vice versa. But lately with He unsuccessfulness of TTCing I have even less patience. I love my husband more then anything but I don't think I show it enough lately. While i love my hubby and am glad I'm married to him, I want to enjoy my hubby and marriage. I don't want to take him for granted. I want to be the best wife I can be. I think this dare will help!


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Thursday's

Thursdays are officially cheat day from healthier eating. Thursday's are freight day at work. The day we get our weekly truck. It comes at 7 and some people go in at 7 and unload the truck (I used to be one of them and I HATED it, it made the day even harder and longer) most of the department heads come in at 9. If the truck isn't unloaded yet we help unload then we start un-boxing, un packaging (and for some departments pricing) our merchandise. The expectation is that we get it ALL put away (onto the sales floor, we don't keep anything in the backroom) before we can go home. If you finish your department you help others finish until everything's done and the backroom is clean. This time of year we are usually done around 5-6. Sometimes a little earlier, but not usually later then 6. Later in the year is a whole nother story and we don't usually get done before 7pm, usually later. My department takes up the whole middle of the store so not only do we have a lot to unpack and put away, but we are running all over the store to put it away. And it's a big store! We bust our butts and work so hard on Thursday's (most of us anyways). I come home with my feet and back aching most Thursdays. Because its truck day almost all of the full time employees (managers and department heads) work 7 or 9 am until we leave. We always have a meeting after the truck is unloaded and someone ALWAYS brings donuts (we actually have a sign up sheet so someone brings them every week) and a bunch of us order lunch out every week. Usually cafe rio (kinda similar to chipotle), they have an amazing pork salad! Sometimes we get other things; panda express, red robin. I tried not having a donut, it worked once. It's just way to hard to turn it down on those days. I need the sugar! And I figure at last I'm (usually) getting a salad! Even if it's huge and probably has WAY to many calories. Especially when you consider the huge and yummy tortilla that lines the container the salad sits in. Mmmm. Now I want cafe rio.

So Thursday's are officially a cheat day. I usually have cheat meals on the weekends too. But I'm trying to make healthier choices and if I know were going to go out I try to make sure I eat healthier leading up to it.

And today the weather was gorgeous! Especially considering it was freezing and snowing earlier this week. And after dinner, even though today was a Thursday and my body fells exhausted, I wanted to be outside in the fresh air so I took our pup Brody for a walk, probably about a 30 minute walk. We need to start doing that every night and throw in some jogging too! It felt so good to be outside in the fresh cool air, just as it was staring to get dark, listening to fun upbeat music! And the sky looked cool too:





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What the hell?!

Last night was horrible! I love my sleep. I need at least 8-9 hours a night to function properly. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep though. So many thoughts running through my head. Bills that need to be paid, house needs to be cleaned. So I often take melatonin to help me sleep. Last night I took it as I normally would, got into bed and read until I felt like I was about to fall asleep. I was SO tired, but I couldn't go to sleep. I tossed and turned ALL night. And at 12:30 and 4 am the dog (who sleeps in a crate downstairs) decided to start barking like a maniac to be let out to go potty! OMG! He's never done that! He always sleeps just fine all night long. And of course I had to be the one to go let him out. And after getting out of bed and going downstairs its even harder to get comfortable again. And then the hubs got up at about 6 and that woke me up. My alarm was set for 7 to take my temp. My first temp. And who knows how accurate it was because of the horrible night I had sleep wise. I wanted to get up and work out. But I was so exhausted I feel back to sleep and then watched tv in bed while drinking large amounts of coffee. Now I have to get ready for work. I'm just hoping I can get a goods night sleep tonight!

In other news I've been eating better! I've been eating more fruits and veggies. I'm trying to make small changes so that I'll be more likely to stick with it. Yesterday I had a fruit smoothie for breakfast, grapes and almonds for lunch, and I made chicken tacos for dinner. I figure if I try to eat really healthy during the day and mainly fruits and veggies then I can have a normal dinner and just eat a smaller portion then I normally would. Although I am trying really hard not to eat fast food! The hubs just called on his way home from a meeting saying he's going to get something to eat (fast food) and wanted to know if I wanted anything. I said no! Yay me! I had a banana for breakfast and I'll probably have grapes or apple slices on my way to work for lunch and since I work until 9 tonight I'll have a lean cuisine on my lunch break for dinner. Now if only I can get my butt in gear and start working out!

I also have a lot to say about the book! That will have to be later since I have to go get ready for work!


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Sewing

I LOVE sewing. I got my sewing machine almost over a year ago and am teaching myself to sew. My grandma sews and quilts so I have some basic skills because I loved to sew with her when I was little. We'd go to the fabric store and I'd get to pick out a pattern and we'd go home and make it. I guess I inherited a love of sewing from her. I really love most things crafty, but picking out gorgeous fabric and making it into something for myself or a loved one makes me so happy. Although I tend to buy fabric I love and then it sits there forever because I want to wait to make something perfect and not "waste" it. So I have A LOT of fabric just sitting in my sewing room. I really need to start using it! Anyways back to my point. I used to sew all the time when I first got it. I stocked up on fabric at joanns on black Friday and was a sewing maniac. I made tons of doll clothes for my niece and my cousins little girl for Christmas. I made more baby blankets then I know what to do with. I wasn't working at the time. We had just moved to Utah and we would be going to CA for the holidays and then to Maui in February so we decided I would wait until after that to start looking for a job. I had time on my hands. It was cold, ok freezing!, outside and I didn't know anyone. So I sewed. I had hoped that I could start selling the stuff I was making. I applied to sell at a large boutique type store here and they didn't have any small spaces available. I had hoped to try the swap meet once the weather got warmer. But then I got a job, I still found some time to sew. Then we moved and it took some time to set up my sewing/guest room. I sewed here and there when I had time. Then we started actively TTC and I pretty much stopped sewing. Getting ready for my mom and inlaws to visit during the holidays I needed curtains for that room some bought a long curtain, cut it and hemmed it to cover the 2 windows. That was about all the sewing I did for a few months. Around that time I cleaned up the room so my mom could stay in there during her visit and just shoved stuff wherever it would fit in the closet and dresser so the room was so unorganized. Last month we switched dresses, I have a huge nice dresser that was in there and we had an old smaller dresser that had been the hubs parents in our large bedroom. Since the sewing/guest room is small we thought it would be a good idea to switch them. The bigger dresser is SO much better in our bedroom. So that day I went through and completely cleaned out and organized the whole room. It still needs a little work, I want to make a dry erase board and magnet board for over the dresser and get some shelves, but it is back to working order! Since then I've sewed twice. Once that same weekend and once today. I made a makeup bag for my mom that we got material for when she was here for Christmas. This past week I have been feeling the urge to sew. To cut crisp fabric and hear the hum of the machine as I sew it together and make something. The urge to create. To feel proud of what I create. Sewing relieves stress for me. It's relaxing, it's stimulating. I love it. And I miss it lately. In the past few months every time I feel like sewing I think of all the adorable baby things I want to sew when we finally get pregnant and know what we're having. Then I get depressed because I can't do that yet, not for lack if trying. But I need to get over that. I can make gifts, things for myself...I have some super cute overnight and tote bag patterns that would be perfect for my upcoming visit home to CA, things for our house...our kitchen window needs curtains, our couch throw pillows majorly need new covers, I'd love to make some pot holders. So I decided that I am going to scour my bookmarks online and make a list of projects I want to do. I haven't even made my list yet but sewed today! I had seen a tutorial a while back for making a camera strap cover and I wanted to do. So I grabbed some fabric I had and made it. It was pretty quick and easy and made me feel good. Here it is:


So my goal is to spend some time sewing at least once a week. Whether its an easy project I can do in 1 day or a larger project that takes a few hours a week. I think I call it sewing therapy! And I'm sure my hubs won't mind because it gives him some time for his video game therapy! Lol

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"O"MG

I wrote this on Sunday (3/11) and it wouldn't post! I still don't know if I've ovulated this cycle. Either it happened super early, for me, or it hasn't happened yet, or it's not going to happen at all this cycle. I'm hoping it happened early because that gives me hope that I could be pregnant! I ovulate every month like clock work. I started taking B6, evening primrose and my prenatal hoping it would help me ovulate earlier. But WTF?!?! I'm so confused with this cycle. This morning I took an ovulation test and a pregnancy test. I KNEW the pregnancy test would be negative, even if by some miracle I am pregnant, it was too early to test. But I kinda felt like I had lost my mind this morning seeing 2 test strips on the bathroom counter. I tried so hard to see even the faintest 2nd line on that test, but it wasn't there. Maybe, by some miracle, it will be there in a few days.  I want this so bad.  But I'm on alert. I'm waiting for the spotting that always comes before AF. About 5 days before to be specific. Last week it started on CD22 and AF arrived on CD27. Today is CD20. 2 more days I can think, imagine, hope and pray that I'm pregnant. Then once again I'm sure my world will come crashing down around me and reality will set in that it's onto the next cycle. Cycle 10. I know that's not horrible. I know that MANY woman are on cycle 20 or 30 + and I can't imagine that pain. That heartbreak. I'm sure they are in so much more pain then me, but it still hurts. I'll be 29 in 5 months. 29. Wow. I seriously thought I'd have a baby by now. At the very least be pregnant. But I'm still waiting, praying, hoping for my miracle.  - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

WTF?!

So...CD3-7 I took soy isoflavones (160mg). On CD 4 I started taking evening primrose oil, B6, and a prenatal. I have taken them everyday since (its now CD16).

I know I said I wasn't going to...but I wanted to see how this would affect my ovulation. I was hoping I would ovulate sooner in my cycle. I had 2 ovulation tests left so I took one on CD12 and the line was lighter then the control line, but still pretty dark. So I thought oh wow! I must be about to ovulate. I took another test the next day with the same results. So I thought for sure I was about to ovulate like ANY DAY NOW! So then I got my package of tests in the mail (see post "can a book really help?" like 4 posts ago) and started using them. Twice a day cause I'm anal and don't want to miss it. But the line was fainter. And keeps getting fainter. WTF?! Maybe it's cause it's different tests?! I thought for sure I'd get a positive by today. I usually got a positive on CD15 and today is CD16. Then I started thinking...could I have already ovulated? Like before CD12? Could that even be possible? I thought these vitamins would make me ovulate sooner, but I thought it would be slowly, like a day or 2 each month. Like maybe I'd get a positive on CD14 this month and CD13 next month. I was having ovulation like symptoms at the end if next week. I felt...I guess full is the only way to describe it. My ovaries felt swollen, bloated, heavy. I would feel like I had to pee so bad and was going to pee my pants if I didn't go to the bathroom NOW. Then I'd go and be like "huh? That's all!" I barley even peed. It was pathetic. I was like what the heck is wrong with me? And yesterday I had the worst heartburn ever! I know I've gotten heartburn before but nothing like this! I felt like I was going to puke. It hurt so bad I wanted to cry!

So WTF?! Could I be pregnant? I could only hope so, but I doubt it. I don't even know what to think, or what the hell is going on with my cycle right now. I'll keep testing and see what happens.


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From about a week ago

I think I know the problem

So I've self diagnosed myself. I've had this idea in my head for awhile now and I've done some research online. I think I have a short luteal phase. The luteal phase, which is the phase from ovulation to period, should be between 12-14 days. When it's less then 10 days pregnancy can not be sustained because there is not enough progesterone being produced. The uterine lining is not in the right phase at the right time because of this. So implantation can't occur.

My cycle is 27-28 days and I always get a positive on ovulation test trips on CD 16. Which means I probably ovulate on CD 17. Which gives me a 10 day luteal phase. I also have spotting a few days before my period which was also a symptom of short luteal phase.

I had been suspecting this could be my issue for a little while now, but when I was talking to my co-worker whose pregnant and I admitted to her that we are trying we were talking more in depth and more personal about it and she said it happened on day 12 for her. At that moment it occurred to me "crap! That has to be my issue" so now I need to do something about it.

B6 is supposed to help with this problem and is said to lengthen the luteal phase. I plan on picking some up tomorrow and starting it right away. I'm also going to start taking soy isoflavones tonight for the next 5 days. I'm also thinking of taking evening primrose oil up until ovulation and then flaxseed oil after ovulation. And I need to start taking a prenatal everyday. I have them I just always forget to take them! While I'd love to get pregnant this cycle, I plan on starting these supplements and taking it easy for the next 2 months. I know my hubby would rather not have a december/January baby so I'm going to try not to stress about it and not use test strips. I'm going to try to get into the habit of doing "it" every other night from after my period until I get my period again. So much focus (on my part) has been on doing "it" at the right time that it kinda lost its fun. So we need to get back to doing it for enjoyment and not just because I'm ovulating. And I figure every other day will make sure we have our bases covered and it'll still be fun! And it can take a month or two for these supplements to take affect.

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Fear...and procrastination

So, I admitted to my mom that we're struggling getting pregnant. After I told her she was all "I wondering but didn't want to say anything".Um...hello?! I have such an awesome mom! She knew we've been trying but didn't want to rub it in that "hello?! Where's the baby?!" I love her.

Anyways, she had been planning a trip here to visit. And I told her I want to come home to visit soon and see my old doctor (who she also goes to). She quickly offered that instead of her coming here could I come there for a visit?! My little bro would be home from Iraq so I could see him! And visit my sister (who has MS and probably won't ever come visit is here) and I could spend some time with Grandma! And she'd pay for my tickets. Um, manipulate much.

So of course I agreed. She even offered to make a dr appointment for me. I denied and said I had to check my insurance and make sure it's covered. I've since done so and it is, but I've yet to make an appointment. I need an annually pap and I want tell her that we've been trying, what we've tried, where we are now, and see if she has any advice on where to go from here. But I still haven't made an appointment. I keep convincing myself that I won't need to go because Im going to get pregnant, like this week, and I'll go home announce that hey! I'm pregnant! And not need that doctors visit. But I know that's not what will happen. I know I'll have that and want that and it wont happen and then I'll try to make and appointment for when I'm home and she won't have anything available and I'll be fucked. So here's to pushing myself, making myself (ok! Forcing myself) to make that appointment this week!
If nothing else I'm due for a pap, right?!



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Is it fair?

A friend of my cousin, who I am friends with on face.book just recently announced that she is (very) newly pregnant with her first baby. Based on a comment on her announcement post I'm guessing it was a long time coming/trying. Another friend, from elementary school, recently announced her 3rd pregnancy on face.book.

Today I found out that my cousins friend lost the baby. And that my old friend (who has 2 children) is having twins. WTF? I'm sorry but where is the fairness in this? I'm happy for my old friend who is having twins (she miscarried between her 1st and 2nd pregnancies) but so sad for my cousins friend. She has been married for at least as long as me (around 2 years) and she was SO excited about her pregnancy. And that excitement is gone now. That baby they were so excited about is gone now. And this other girl who already has 2 children is now having twins? Wouldn't one be enough? I know I'm not God and I have no idea what His plan is, but this just doesn't seem fair. It makes me sad. And my heart hurts for this girl that just lost her baby.

I don't know what's worse, to try month after month and not get pregnant, or to finally succeed and lose the baby. I hope I never have to find out because I think my heart would break even more then it already has (in trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant) if I got pregnant and lost the baby. I can't even imagine the pain, the heartbreak in that.

Tonight I pray that God is with this woman, her husband, and their family as they deal with the pain of this loss.


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Can a book really help me?

Seriously. This question has been on my mind for awhile now. I read blogs about struggling with infertility and people will talk about the books they've read or want to read. I've googled "best infertility books", "best books to get pregnant", hell I've even done an amazon search "how to get pregnant" looking for books. One book in particular kept popping up, Taking Charge of your Fertility, and I went to buy it in the kindle store on amazon (I pretty much only read books on my iPad and iPhone- and I loved that no one would even know I was reading an infertility book! I could even read it at work!). No such luck. It's not available that way, only the old fashioned real book way (wow, look what technology has done to me) so I didn't buy it. FYI there's another book with the exact same title that is available electronically and I almost bought it but when i read through the reviews someone said something like this is a different book, not the one everyone recommends! The one I wanted has a pink cover and is by a different author. Then I went back like a week later (ok, maybe I went back a few times) and finally bought it. And after I purchased it that order confirmation page comes up that has "recommended for you" or "others who bought this also bought" something like that. Anyways it like 3 things and one was 40 ovulation prediction sticks and 10 pregnancy test... For $10! Um hello...duh. Each month I always tell myself that next month I will buy OPKs and pregnancy tests online because (hello!) so much cheaper, but then I always thought well what if I get pregnant this month, then I won't need them and it'll be a waste of money. Then I buy them at the store and its a rip off. So I just did it. Gave in and bought them. Hopefully they'll help me out this month! Anyways they already came in the mail (still waiting for the book) and now my bathroom drawer is well stocked!



That's A LOT of pee sticks!

I can't wait to get the book and start reading it!
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Crazy dreams

Earlier this week I had a dream. It was early morning, very early, hubby was still asleep. I went to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. The kind with 1 line=negative, 2 lines=positive. It had 2 very thick lines AND a third very faint and splotchy almost not there line. So I was like WTF?! So I took a digital test, one of those clear blue easy ones (which I have never actually taken in real life) and it gave me a message, on the screen, that I peed on it for too long...WTF?!?! So I went back to my bed and there were 2 boxes next to it, one from the first test and one from the clear blue easy. I knew I had only taken 1 of each out of new boxes of 3 tests each, but I couldn't find the other tests. I was searching and trying to be quiet so I wouldn't wake the hubby. I was so confused...pregnant, not pregnant.

That was it, as far as I can remember. Weird.

The next night I had, um, sexy dreams. And woke up extremely turned on. That's all I'm saying about that.

Strange

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