Game over, try again

AF is here so onto the next cycle. The past 2 months I fell like trying to get pregnant has taken over my life. I'm always thinking about it, planning around it, and waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting (wishing) for symptoms, waiting for AF.

What I really need to focus on is eating healthier and working out. I'm so unhappy with myself. I hate the image I see in the mirror. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I hate it. My clothes don't fit, I'm uncomfortable. It's time to change that! Of course we'll still be TTCing, but I'm going to focus on me and being healthier! And it can only help with the whole baby making thing!

It's the first day of the year and CD1. A new year, a fresh start, a new cycle. Tomorrow after work I plan to go to the store to get some healthy foods to take to work for lunches and some healthy stuff to make for dinners this week! We have an elliptical trainer in our room that's being used to hang clothes on and we plan on moving it down to the family/tv room in the basement. I'm excited about that. I have so many shows on our DVR I need to catch up on and tons of stuff on Netflix I want to watch and I'll be able to work out while watching them! So much better then watching whatever's on tv. I hate that. There's usually nothing good on when I decide to use it upstairs so it makes the workout feel so long and drag on. When I'm watching something good the workout goes by so fast and I'll workout longer, but then the stupid commercials they kill the workout to. So now I won't have to worry about that. I'm hoping to start using the elliptical as often as I can for a few weeks and once I get into a habit of working out often I want to get into going to the gym. And once it warms up outside a little more I plan on doing the couch to 5k program.

Cheers to a New Year and a new me!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blessed

We often take our blessings for granted. We're so focused on the stress of the moment, especially this time of year. I work retail, which means A LOT of work around the holidays. The store is busy, people are rude, and I have a list a mile long in my head of things I need to do and buy before my mom and in-laws get here. It's just going, going, going. But on friday I was reminded of how blessed I am.

My coworker was on her lunch already when I went to lunch and she was really upset. She had just found out that her boyfriend lost his job. They've been making cut backs at his work and I don't think they were expecting it to affect him, he's a manager and didn't see it coming. This poor girl has been through so much this year and things were finally looking up for her and then this happens. She did my nails earlier in the week and was telling me how he wants to get married early next year but she doesn't know how that'll happen because of money, and that was before they found this out. I felt awful for her.

I realized how blessed I am. My husband has a great job. We bought our own home this year. And while there are times that money is tight we are lucky. That same day my husband had gotten his bonus. And his normal paycheck. His bonus was a few hundred dollars more then his normal check and seeing that amount of money (bonus + check) made me happy. We want to pay of some credit card debt. And plan a weekend trip to Park City. The fact that were even able to consider doing these things, and having some extra money to be able to is a blessing. We are lucky. I need to remind myself of that more often, especially now, as we are trying to get pregnant and I only see that and the negative of it not happening. I need to take more time to look at the bigger picture and how truly blessed we are, even if we haven't been blessed with a baby yet!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

CD10

I started using OPK's as soon as AF was gone. All have been negative so far (no surprise there) but I want to make sure I don't miss it! Even though it's only CD10 and the OPKs have been negative I want to really MAKE sure we don't miss our window so we'll be gettin busy just in case, at least every other day until I get a positive OPK, starting tonight!

I'm really hopeful for this month! It would be awesome to find out on Christmas that I'm pregnant! I can't imagine a better Christmas present!!! I want it so bad and I'm so ready for it!!!

Aside from TTCing I'm trying to eat better and workout! I used our elliptical yesterday, only 20 minutes but that's better then nothing! Over the past 2-3 years I've gained more weight then I care to admit and I really need to be healthier and get it shape! And I figure it can only help with TTC!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Another month

Well AF is definitely here. Started last night. A few days early so I'll be able to test as early as christmas eve or Christmas day! Here's hoping for a big fat positive!!! Hopefully this month goes by fast and I'll enter the new year pregnant!!! Here's to December!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Or not...

So it appears that this will not be our month. I tested this morning and it was one single bright pink line in an ocean of white. I was bummed, but still had hope that maybe, possibly I was testing to soon. I used the "as early as 6 days before your missed period" test and I'm 6-8 days away from AF. I bought more tests and more ovulation prediction tests too hoping i wouldnt need those!

Then to take away any hope I had left I think AF is coming, way early. Its only CD22 but I'm having a (very) small amount of spotting. I guess it could be implantation bleeding, but I highly doubt it. I usually have very light spotting for 1-2 days then a few days of nothing and then AF comes. I'm hoping AF just starts tomorrow and I can jump right into another cycle. If it worked out this next cycle I would be able to test right around christmas. My mom would be here!!! I would still get to ring in the new year pregnant! So we will see what tomorrow brings.

This month I used ovulation prediction strips but I wasn't overly concerned or stressed about them. I'm pretty sure I got a positive but wasn't really worried because I made sure we did it A LOT durning what should have been when I ovulated so I thought I had my bases covered, apparently not. I was really hopeful the past few days because of the symptoms I've been having and i thought it was way to early for AF symptoms but I guess I was wrong. I haven't had a cycle shorter then 27 days (usually 28-30 days) since going off the pill over 1 year ago so I don't know what the heck is up with this cycle. Next cycle i am going to be paying more attention to the test strips and I want to get a planner to better track my cycle and symptoms so that if we have to take steps down the line in order to get pregnant I will have a ton of info for the doctor...not that I have one here in UT yet...I really need to get on that!

We shall see what tomorrow brings. I have no hope for this cycle but I'm truly hopeful for the next one!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's our time

This month is going to be it! Im hopeful that I WILL get pregnant this month. It would be amazing if we could tell my mom and in-laws on Christmas that they are going to be grandparents! I'm thinking of creative ways to tell them already! Giving them "I love grandma/grandpa" bibs or onesies and having them unwrap them at the same time is one idea I have!

If I do get pregnant this month the baby would be due in august, which is a very popular birthday month in my family! Mine is the 9th, my brothers is the 13th, my cousin (who is 1 year older then me) is the 6th, and her brother (who is 1 year older then my brother) is the 27th...his wife's is also in august! So I think it would be perfect!

I'm hoping that in about a week and half I can get a big fat positive!!!

Although I dont know how I'm going to keep it a secret until Christmas!!!

I want to tell Josh in a creative way and my friend (who knows we're trying) is going to help me come up with something!!!

I can't wait to bring in the new year as a designated driver, to toast with water instead of booze, to have a bun in the oven!!!

Fingers crossed, prayers said and lots of baby dancing to be had in the next few days to make our dreams of being parents come true!!! I want and am ready to be mom so bad it hurts. I want to make Josh a daddy. I can't wait to be a family of 3!!!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Trying

This isn't a "thankful" post. It's just a post about what I'm thinking about. I have high hopes for this month, I want it to be "the" month, the month we get pregnant. We've been "trying" for a few months. I say "trying" because it's been more like just not preventing. Last month I was gone for almost 3 weeks so of course it didn't happen, buti was still bummed when AF reared her ugly head. I just want it so badly. I'm ready to be a mom, to make Josh a daddy, to be a family of 3. It would be awesome to be able to tell my mom and in-laws that we're pregnant at Christmas. It would be the gratest and most amazing gift ever if I could be pregnant at Christmas! Im starting to get much belly envy and baby envy when I see pregnant bellies and new ittybitty babies. It hurts my heart, I try to remind myself that I don't know what they went through to be pregnant or have that baby, they couldnhave one through years of trying, doctors and fertility treatments. I truly hope that we won't need that, but I'm terrified that we will. It scares me to think "what if we do everything right, keep trying month after month, doing "it" at just the right times and nothing happens?" it terrifies me. But I'm hopeful, I have faith that God has a plan, I just hope that a healthy baby in the near future is in His plan. Here's to November!

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for a good cry. Sometimes you just need to let it all out and have a good cry and then things will feel better. It's been a stressful few weeks, with being out of town working 12-15 hour days for almost 3 weeks straight, getting home and getting back into my regular work schedule, drama at work, my mom was going to come for thanksgiving and now she's not because I'm going to have to work pretty much the whole time she'd be here. So we decided she will just stay longer at Christmas, and I'm asking for a few extra days off for while she's here. So tonight my hubby went to bed and I stayed up to watch tv. I ended up watching a cheesy hallmark channel movie and I cried my eyes out! How pathetic am I! It has me thinking about a lot, and crying a lot. Although it probably doesn't help that it's THAT time of month either. But its amazing how sometimes a good cry can make you feel so much better. Things will be ok, they'll be better then ok. I have faith, November is going to be an amazing month! And December...even better!!! I'm sure if it ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Faith

My faith has been tested over the past few years and it's continuing to be tested now. But its there and it's strong (usually).

Today I'm thankful for my faith. I may not go to church, I may not pray everyday or as often as I think I should but I believe that God is there. I have faith in myself, in my family, in the good in others. I have faith that God has a plan for me. I may not always be sure where my life is headed or what's going to happen in the future but I have faith that He does and thats all I need to know. Of course often I want to know more, I struggle to be in control, but I remind myself that He is in charge and I'm along for the ride.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Patience and strength

For yesterday and the day before :

Wednesday I was thankful for patience. I worked in a department at work (fabric) that I don't usually work in. Someone quit and I was put in that department because I know how to cut fabric. It's a very busy department and it's hard because there may be quite a few people that need help, but you can only help one person at a time. And most of the people are moms with a few young kids in tow. So cutting fabric, answering questions and listening to whining and crying kids all day in a department I'm not used to working in and thinking about all the stuff that still needed to be done in my own department was VERY trying on my patience.

I'm thankful for strength. The personal strength I've had in the past few years has surprised me over and over again. A lot has happened in the past few years that has had me question who I am and what kind of person I want to be. I have been put in situations I never imagined ever having to deal with. I'm thankful that I was able to have strength through out it all.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Pinterest

Today I'm thankful for Pinterest! Yes, I know, so cheesy. But I'm kinda becoming obsessed with it. I love it! I've gotten a lot of good ideas from there. I tried 2 recipes so far and they were both super yummy! I also have some majorly cute DIY holiday decoration ideas! I already made a wreath that was inspired by a pin on there!!! Here it is, I still need to get ribbon to hang it with:



It's just yarn wrapped around styrofoam and then fabric flowers I made from strips of fabric!

So many ideas!!! I always have TONS of crafty ideas and I'll buy the supplies and they just sit waiting for me...so I made a deal with myself: I can make as many of the holiday things that I want but I can only buy the supplies needed for 1 project at a time and nothing else for other projects until I finish that one! I bought the supplies for the wreath and finished it the same night (just have to get ribbon to hang it) so now I need to figure out what I want to do next and buy the supplies for it!!! So far this is working good!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Giving thanks

November is a month of Thankfulness. We should be thankful everyday of every month, but too often life gets in the way, so this month I want to write something I'm thankful for everyday! It's already the 7th so here's 7 things I've been thankful for so far, even though I havent been blogging about I have thought about this and been thankful for these things daily!

Today I'm thankful for...

1 - my amazing husband
2 - my wonderful mom- she's beautiful and loving and has the kindest heart of anyone I've ever known. I'm lucky to be her daughter
3 - having a job. I may not always love it, but it's a good job
4 - the opportunity I had last month to go to CA for almost 3 weeks for work to do a store set (set up a new store) it was awesome to see a building go from just that to an open and beautiful new store and to know I was a part of that!
5 - New friends. I got to know a really nice co-worker who I work with in CA. She's from my store and we've become friends.
6 - my own openmindedness. I learned things about others that makes most people shy away from them, but I liked them before I knew, and what I learned didn't change my opinion of them. Of course I'm curious but not in a mean way, just in a way that I want to understand their life and beliefs more. And because I'm respectful and understanding they answer my questions and help me to understand.
7 - that I live in such a beautiful place! I love waking up to snow outside my window! I love cuddling under blankets and watching snow fall outside!

From now on I plan on posting 1 thing I'm thankful for everyday this month!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Frustrated

Confession... I watch Teen Mom. I'm addicted. I think I've cried during almost every episode. I love it and hate it at the same time. These girls are so young! They have hard decisions to make, hard times to get through. I can't imagine being 16 and pregnant. I can't imagine having a baby at 16, or even at 18, 21 or even 25. Having to make a decision like keep it or...even though I think the only choice I'd have been able to make in that situation would be to be a mom, I'm thankful that I never had to make that choice. As soon as I became sexually active I knew what the consequence could be. And I was sure to be careful. My sister got pregnant at 21 (I was 9 when my nephew was born). She wasn't in a relationship, they were "just friends". I watched what she went through, I guess that was enough for me to know to be careful. I spent years preventing that from happening to me. I was 26 when I got married and I'm SO glad I didn't marry any of my ex's I thought I wanted to spend forever with. I married a man I really truly love. He's not perfect and sometimes he annoys the heck out of me but I love him more then anything and I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine having babies with anyone else, growing old with anyone else. I'm so thankful for him and what we have together. We both have good jobs (his better the mine but whose counting lol), we're homeowners of a nice house that's in a nice neighborhood full of kids, we live in a place that is soooo kid and family friendly. It's like this place was made for families! We are ready to have a family. To have a baby. We aren't 16 year olds trying to finish high school, living with our parents, trying to figure out who we are and who we want to be and raise a baby. We have a crib, high chair, swing, box of baby clothes and a room waiting to be made into a nursery. We just need that main thing...the baby. But it hasn't happened yet. We've only been trying (well really just "not preventing") for 2 months, but seriously?!?! These girls get knocked up before they even know what happened! I've wanted and waited for this for so long why can't it just happen? I'm hoping that this month will be our month. That'll make for a June baby. June is my hubby's bday month too! My mom is waiting and wanting a grandbaby so badly. Her grandson is 18, so she's defiantly been waiting for this for a long time! She'll be here for Thanksgiving, and then again for Christmas, and I know she would be beyond happy to see a itty bitty baby growing in her baby girls tummy (baby girl being me!). My brother will be going to Iraq for a year and I know he'd be so excited to come back and visit a little niece or nephew. We have so much love to give a little one. I'm not saying there wont be hard times or difficulty, but were ready. We want it. We want to be a family. And these girls get it so easily is frustrating.

Here's to a productive October!!! I don't think productive is the right word but it's all I can come up with right now! All crossables are crossed and I'm hoping this month is our month!!!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Motivation

I FINALLY got off my butt and worked out yesterday! I wanted to start the couch 2 5k program but I think I'm too out of shape for that. I get out of breath walking from our basement to our bedroom, 2 flights of stairs, that's pathetic. Even though I'm on my feet walking around all day at work! So I decided to use our elliptical and lose some weight and get in a little better shape and then start the c25k program. I got off work at 9 last night and my hubby wanted me to pick up something on the way home. I got HIM fast food. Usually I would have had a double bacon burger and fries, but I resisted. I wasn't hungry. I had eaten a zone bar on my lunch at work. So I went home and got on the elliptical for 20 minutes. Not very long, just a start. I'll work up to going on it longer, otherwise I'll just get burned out quickly if I push myself too hard at first. And I'm already feeling better! I know there's no change in what I see in the mirror (duh! It's only day 2 of eating better and working out) but I feel good! I'm motivated! I'm ready to make this change! I'm ready to have my self confidence back, ready to feel good about myself and how I look, ready to like what I see in the mirror, ready to fit into all my clothes (instead of just the few things that fit right now), ready to have more energy!

I didn't work out today, but I'm okay with that. Thursdays are my longest day at work...not exactly because of the hours I work (although it is about 2 hours longer then my shifts the rest of the week) but because it's freight day. The day we get our weekly shipment, so the day is spent un loading boxes and putting stuff away, working fairly quickly because we pretty much don't leave until it's all put out, every department. So if my department is done early (haha; doesn't happen, I have the biggest department) I'd help other departments get their stuff put away and the other way around. So its a pretty tiring day. But tomorrow I work late so I'm planning on working out in the morning! And I have the weekend off so I will get to break in my craft room!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Catching up

Started this post awhile back and didn't finish it...

We were supposed to close on our house last Friday, well that didn't happen. We had our final walk through on Monday and we were hoping that everything would work out so we could sign and get the keys Friday. Which was great since my mom is coming on Saturday and planning on staying in the house. Well we found out today we won't be able to sign until Monday and we won't get the keys until tuesday! Totally sucks! But my mom will be here! I am really close to my mom. She truly is my best friend. She knows me better then anyone. She can hear my voice and know that something is wrong. And I can hear her voice and know that everything will be ok. Aren't I too old for that?! When I was younger I never thought I'd feel this way towards my mom, but ad I grew up and got to know who she truly was I understood a lot about her, and about myself...

Anyways...I can't wait to spend time with my mom and for me and my husband to move into our house and start making memories there! In the home that we will start a family (hopefully)!!! I can't wait to see what the future holds for us!

....updated:

We've moved into our house!!! We moved in Wednesday of the week my mom was here. She was a HUGE help. But we didn't get to have as much fun as I'd hoped... We wanted to go see something borrowed and get pedicures, but between moving and my work schedule we didn't have a chance to, but we still had a great time! There's always next time! She'll be coming to visit again soon (hopefully)!!!

We're still unpacking and organizing, but my last few days off I worked on my craft/guest room and it's coming along nicely! I can't wait to get in there and get crafty! Hopefully this weekend! I have soooo many ideas and projects I want to do swimming around in my head it's driving me crazy!

Here's my sewing area:



I still have LOTS of fabric to unpack, that's pretty much my "scrap/small pieces" only....I don't know where I'm going to put it all!

Heres the "guest room" part aka the bed :



One of my first projects will be curtains! We'll see how that goes.

C25k

There's this training program called couch to 5k (c25k) that takes you from the couch to being able to run a 5k, it seems super easy to follow. Week 1 starts with a 20 minute workout alternating walking and running/jogging. I downloaded the app onto my iPhone awhile back (like last year) but never got very far because the weather got bad here! Well I want to start it again and was planing on starting yesterday, but it was raining! Of course! So if it's not raining this evening I will try to start it today! My goal as far as working out is just doing that for now and eventually adding weight training!

Today we have our final walk thru for the house! Im so excited to go see the house again! I miss it! Lol. It feels like I haven't seen it on so long and hopefully we'll be moving in by this weekend! We went to sears on Saturday and picked out our microwave, fridge, washer and dryer! Now we just need to know the closing date so we can set up delivery! I'm hoping we remember to measure the living room tonight to see if a couch we like at ikea will work in the living room! I cannot wait to be out if our tiny apartment and into the house!

And my mom is coming to visit on Saturday for 1 week! I'm so excited to see her and spend time with her! And for her to see the house of course! My mom and I are really close and being away from her is one of the hardest things about living here in Utah...so hopefully we can get her to move here!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Major itch

I posted this last week and couldn't find it yesterday, well today I found it under 2000, no clue how that happened, but here it is!

I have a serious crafty itch right now! I grew up around sewing...my grandma is awesome! I remember spending time with her learning to sew when I was little, she'd take me to pick out a pattern and we would make it together! Sometimes it was doll clothes, sometimes clothes for me, or blankets for my dolls and barbies. Years ago I taught myself how to knit, more recently how to crochet. I've always loved scrap booking too! Near the end of last year my hubby let me buy a sewing machine as an earlier Christmas present. I started with doll clothes for my niece and baby blankets! But before that I made my cousins little girl her outfit for her first birthday! Tutu, Swarovski crystal "1" onesie and Swarovski crystal toed converse. She's such a cutie!!!


And she LOVED the tutus!




So first was non-sewing projects...












Then I moved on to learning to sew!!






Adorable doll clothes for my niece!
I might have gone a little overboard, but I was hooked! I loved it! I even bought a pattern and made her and her doll matching night gowns!

Then I moved on to baby blankets! So easy and so fun to make!




Then I discovered blogs...sewing and craft blogs...oh my! Wow...I've got a whole LONG list of things I want to make...but a lot of things are for babies...and I don't have one of those yet, and without one for measurements it's kinda tough. And with the house buying I can't wait to make our house a home using my sewing machine!

Right now we live in a teeny apartment, my fabric is stashed in our small storage closet on our patio, and with boxes filling up all use able space inside it's impossible to get a project going...other then barbie clothes for my niece using my scrap fabric.





I've even packed up some of my crafty stuff already, thinking I wouldn't use it until after the move. Blah! I know that soon I will have a whole room of crafty goodness, heck I've even made frames for the room! It will be a craft/guest room and I'm going to use my pre-marriage furniture (fairly new from ikea!) bedding and decor which is mainly black and white, my room was black, white, and pink! So same theme will continue!






I even have material to make curtains! I can't wait to get my fabric out off storage containers and organized onto shelves so I can see what I have to work with! But the idea of a WHOLE craft room, space to spread out, organization is making me feel so disorganized and like I have no space to do anything now...which is SO frustrating when I just want to create! I want to snip fresh fabric (bittersweet feeling cause I hate cutting up beautiful fabric, but usually LOVE what comes from it) hear the hum of my sewing machine as I create something awesome! Um... Usually only awesome to me...I'll hold it up for the hubs to see and he'll be encouraging but the look on his face says "why in the heck did you make that?!" I can't wait to have kids and be able to actually show him what I can make! Cause making something and sending to my niece who lives a few states away and he doesn't get to see her wearing or enjoying it is much different then (I imagine) it will be to see his child clothed in or enjoying my creative craftiness! So until we move, which should be happening within the next 2 weeks, I will have to deal with this itch that I cannot scratch! I can't wait to get my craft on!!!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Feeling crafty

My last lost was about my crafting itch, I wanted to make something but with our apartment being a mess getting ready to move and lots of my crafty stuff already packed up there wasn't much I could do about it. Well awhile back I say some yarn at work that's super soft! Its bambospun and as soon as I saw it I wanted to make something with it. Well I realized duh! I can crochet! It's doing something craft that doesn't take a lot of space, prep, or materials and it doesn't make a mess! I can do it while sitting on the couch watching tv! But what to make? I had made some super cute baby beanies awhile back and they were pretty easy to make and super cute and I had an idea for a new one. I saw on a blog a beanie just like one i had made, but instead of a crocheted flower attached to it you attached a button and then could button on the flower! So you could change the flower. Super cute idea! So after work I bought some yarn and a crochet hook (I wasn't sure if I had already packed mine or not). Well I made a beanie and a barbie one for my niece! Only I have no idea where my buttons are, so I will have to find those to finish it. But it definitely helped with the craft itch! I live creating something! Even though I don't have a little head to put it on yet!

Here's the one I made awhile back!






Not bad for my first attempt!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Waiting

I feel like waiting is the story of my life lately. Things are taking longer then they should with the house. The loan is still not approved and we are still waiting to hear from the seller about fixing a few things that need to be fixed. 2 of the burners on the stove don't work, the dishwasher doesn't work, and 3 of the windows don't open, not huge things, but things that have to be fixed for the type of loan we are getting, so they have to approve them for the loan to be approved I guess. And we are supposed to close in less then 2 weeks. We are supposed to hear something tomorrow and hopefully it will be good news! I really hope this doesn't push our closing back, and if it does then no more then a week back because my mom is coming to visit on May 14 for a week! And it would be really sad if we don't close by then since she's coming to see the house...not to mention complicate things since we have no where for her to stay because we plan on her being able to stay in her little basement apartment! So we're waiting.

Another area of waiting...to have a baby...once we got the house the hubby said he thinks we should wait a little while, well he said until my mom moves here which could be as early as October, but maybe not until the end of the year or beginning of next year, and I don't wait to wait that long to start trying to have a baby! I was super pissed. Then we discovered that we are paying twice as much as we though we were going to be for our health insurance now that I'm on his through work. Literally $700 more a month then we'd be paying if it was just him!! We were shocked. And the only way to get me off of it is; 1. death, 2. divorce, 3. i get it through my job. None of those seemed likely when we found out. I had just gotten a job and I was really liking it but full time didn't look like an option so I thought I was going to have to find a new job. I was upset, especially because that money we are throwing away we really need! Well, I got offered a full time department head position at work! To my extreme shock, I didn't see it coming at all. I am hard working when it comes to my job, I don't think I do anything extremely beyond what I'm expected to do but I guess I must be because they let 3 people who where also hired as "part-time/seasonal" like I was go because they didn't have the hours to keep them, and I got offered full time! Woohoo! I am so thankful! And as a full time employee I get (among $4 more an hour, earned vacation time, a much better schedule, every other Saturday off-we're closed on sundays) BENEFITS!!! Not sure how much I will have to pay or exactly when they will kick in (waiting on the enrollment packet from HR which can take up to 45 days to get) but I know it will be much better then what we are paying now! And they offer leave for when we have a baby...but I have to be with the company for 12 months before said leave can be taken. So I can't even get pregnant until at the very earliest July and that would be pushing it, if God forbid I had to take leave early for some reason. This is great and I am so thankful that I was offered this position, but it means I have to WAIT...but I know it will be worth it. So it looks like we won't be able to even start trying until July (which is also our 1 year anniversary).

So for now I've decided to do something I really need to do and wanted to do before getting knocked up but wanted a baby to bad to hold off and babymaking and actually do it, so now that I HAVE to wait, I might as well...lose weight/get in shape! I gain weight easily, especially when I'm unhappy, stressed out, and heck even when I'm happy! It sucks. When I was 18, 19, 20 I was in GREAT shape, going to the gym often, busy going out with friends, working, having fun! I got into a relationship around 21 and slowly stated gaining weight. After a break-up, new relationship (rinse and repeat a few times) I had gained and lost weight quite a few times and came out of it at my heaviest before I started dating my now husband. I had lost about 30 pounds before I started dating him and during the last 3 years since I've been with him, I've gained that plus some back. I hate it. I hate the way I look and feel. I hate that none of my clothes fit. I was losing weight before we got married, but then moving to a new state, getting a new job, and a lot of late night after work fast food ruined that. And now I NEED to change it. So that's the plan for the next few months. I think I'll follow weight watchers and start working out! The working out part will be so much easier when we move into our house and I have space to work out! I have an elliptical that I plan on using once I have the space to use it in! Healthy meals and kick butt workouts here I come!!! Also only having to work 2 late nights a week at work will help with the late night eating I'm sure!

So wish me luck on this, I know I'm going to need it!

Also...I have a goal to start posting more...I'd love to say once a day, but my life is much too boring for that, so I'm going to aim for at LEAST once a week for now! I also want to start posting about the crafty things I do...I LOVE all things crafty; sewing, scrap booking, crocheting, knitting, ect and so I'd like to start posting those things on here! So hopefully one day I'll have followers who will have interesting things to read!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Yay!!!

We got the house! I'm beyond excited about it! I can see us living in it, raising our children in it, being happy in it! We should close and get the keys on May 6th! I already have lists of decorating ideas! And I've discovered decorating blogs! Ohhh myyyy...the decorating ideas I have, and we haven't even moved in yet! And the basement is PERFECT for my mom! She's beyond excited and wants to come for a week to see it, help us move, and help me decorate!!! She's 99% sure she's going to move here, but things won't be 100% until the divorce is final. LONG story, my parents are getting divorced, I haven't spoken to my father since the day after my wedding, 8 months ago, and he is no longer a part of my life. No fault of my own, I gave him plenty of chances to tell me his side, which he avoided. He is a liar and a cheater and I had to make the choice to grieve and move on, and I have, but it is still hard because the divorce is being dragged out thanks to him. Anyways... I'm so totally completely in LOVE with our house!

Patience

We didn't get the house and I was truly ok with that. The house was nice but I couldn't truly picture us living in it. My mom might (hopefully) move here before the end of the year and we wanted to have a basement that could potentially be a home for her and that house didn't have it. It was the nicest one we had seen, but it wasn't "the one". So we looked Thursday and saw some town homes we liked and then looked more Saturday and found a house that I LOVE! It's perfect and I can see it as our home. It has a basement with a living room, bedroom, and bathroom perfect for my mom! We made an offer and found our theres one other offer :( boo! So we had to submit our best and final offer and I hope it's good enough to get the house! I'm going to be heart broken if we don't get it and I am trying to be patient but I can't wait to find out! I have faith and I believe that God knows that this will be our home, but it's still hard to be patient! I just want to get the call that says we got it! And the hubby's dad will be in town tomorrow and the next day and he wants to show his dad the house, so hopefully we find out they accepted our offer and he can see it!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Blah!

Blah! That describes my mood today. I have the day off (and tomorrow) and got up earlier then I would have liked to so that I could go to the bank with hubby. We had some checks to deposit and I needed to close my old accounts since were using his now. And since we didn't go to the store last night like we had planned I didn't have creamer for my coffee so I didn't have any coffee...I was not happy. I had a really hard time waking up and was feeling like I was moving in slow motion, and could't focus on anything and had NO patience. So we went to the bank then to the store. I got an iceed coffee but I still feel blah! We also found out that we didn't get the house. They are keeping our offer as a back up offer. I wasn't really surprised and I was kinda relieved. As much as we loved it, it was on the high end of what we want to spend (a little higher honestly). Our monthly payments would be higher then we'd like them to be. So back to looking. We're going to look tomorrow afternoon and hopefully we'll find something we love for less money!

I have a lot to do, but no desire to do anything...guess I should get up off my butt and do something...maybe sewing...not really on my to-do list, but it always makes me feel better! And sounds much better then laundry...which means walking to the laundry room of our apartment complex and it's COLD outside...like there's snow on the ground cold...seriously...laundry can wait till tomorrow...or even Thursday since I don't work until 4 pm that day...wow, I'm being really lazy!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Confused and busy!

I got a job! I haven't been working since last May and the past 2 months we have definitely started to feel it financially. So my main goal when we got back from Maui was to find a job! Mainly for retail jobs. I just want an easy job, where I can go to work, do my job, go home and not think about work until my next shift. Something easy, something fun, something I could enjoy and not hate. I hated my last job, it was for a cell phone company and I worked in retail first and loved it, then we moved to New Mexico and I decided to give the tech call center a try...so not for me! Dealing with upset people all day, trying to meet unreachable expectations, it was so stressful to me. I'm kinda a perfectionist when it comes to work and I almost always well exceed the expectations easily, so it was so hard for me, to the point of having anxiety attacks and getting sick (a flair up of something I was diagnosed with as a child after YEARS of being sick, and haven't had any problems since being diagnosed when I was about 11, until that job!). Anyways...I decided to apply at a large craft store that I LOVE. I picked up an application, brought it home, filled it out, took it back the next day and gave it to the co-manager (the store has 2 managers). Within 20 minutes of leaving he called asking if I could come in the next day for an interview (Thursday). I went in and was hired and started the next day at 9am! It's pretty easy and super simple! It's only part, but I'm hoping to work my butt off and get to full time! I worked Friday, Saturday and today (Monday) they are closed on Sunday's! Now I have 2 days off, then work Thursday and Friday afternoon/evenings and the have the weekend off!

On thursday we also started looking at houses! We saw a few and LOVED one of them, it was perfect, but a little more then we wanted to spend, there was another for quite a bit less, that was A LOT older and kinda funky, but we liked it. So even though I LOVED the first one I put it out if my head because I didn't want the hubby to feel pressured into a house we weren't sure we could afford just because I loved it so much. Well I came home Friday to change real quick after work and then head to meet our realtor to see a few more houses and he said something along the lines of : we'll go see what she has to show us today but I really think we should make a move on that first house (the one we LOVE but I thought was slightly out of our range)...WHAT?!? really? I was so happy! So we saw a few more houses but nothing compares to the first one, great neighbor hood, the town we want to live in, everything we are looking for in a house! So we decided to go in Saturday morning to write up our offer and found out there were 7 other offers (and it had only been listed for 7 days)! Wow! We weren't expecting that! But we still made an offer and tried to make it good! We offered more then the asking price and to pay for part of closing costs. We should hear something by Wednesday. My fingers are crossed and I'm hoping and praying we get it, but I'm realistic and still keeping my eye out and checking the MLS to see if anything comes up that we can jump on asap if our offer doesn't get accepted.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Decisions, decisions, decisions

We'll me last decision didn't last very long. We went on our (late) honeymoon last week to Maui, yes we planned it that way! It was so great to have our wedding, spend 2 nights in a cottage at the hotel we got married at and then have our real honeymoon 6 months later! I wouldn't want it any other way! I've heard that some people get kinda depressed after the wedding and honeymoon, after all that planning and waiting and looking forward to...and then it's all over. Of course you have your lives together to look forward to, but for couples who are already living together I can see how that could happen. I'm glad we got to settle in as newlyweds (and move to another state in our case) all while looking forward to still having our honeymoon in Maui! It definitely made the stress of the move a lot easier when your looking forward to going to paradise for 8 days!

Back to the point here...I had been willing and ready to stop preventing anything from happening before we even got married! The hubby was not! So I was hoping that he would decide to start trying (or at least stop preventing) when we went to Maui. He wasn't saying no, but he did have points against the idea. First, I haven't been working since last May. I am an independent consultant for Thirty-One gifts and I do have an etsy shop, but I haven't made much. So without my income money is pretty tight, but we decided to wait until we got back from our honeymoon for me to find a job...so that starts this week! Second, he wants to buy a house before we even stop preventing. I can understand his point of view on that. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment right now, we downsized after living in a very spacious 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment in New Mexico, but we did it so that we can save money to buy a house. We start looking at houses this week and hope to move in to our own home by mid March...so even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon I'd just be finishing up the first trimester when we move in (if all goes as planned on the home buying front)...so while I could understand his view, I kept thinking why the hell not?!?!

I stopped taking the pill, after pretty much 9 years of being on it with a short time being on the shot, in August only because I thought I had one more refill left and I didn't. And so much was going on with figuring out if/when we'd be moving and literally having 2 weeks from the time we knew for sure we'd be moving to Utah to the time the hubby needed to be here...and at the time we were living in 2 different states, me in SoCal and him in NM because we thought he'd be moving back to SoCal...so lets just say getting felt up ect by a dr was not on the top of my to do list! At the time I had been on the pill that you take for 3 months straight before having your period and after going off it my cycles were all screwed up! I had my period and then 2 weeks later another one and then it was over 6 weeks before I had it again. So I decided to stay off the pill to let me cycle go back to normal, mainly because I was convinced the hubby would change his mind and we'd be trying come February when we went to Maui. So condoms it was...with NO chances being taken, on hubby's part not mine.  It was looking like we'd still be using those condoms on our honeymoon...so un-romantic! Well someone (or 2 someones in fact) through a major wrench in our honeymoon...my in-laws showed up unexpectedly. They live in SoCal, and yes I am serious. Our last full day was Thursday and they got there Wednesday afternoon. We had planned on spending Thursday relaxing together and enjoying our last day. I was pissed. They did pay for our honeymoon, they are kind hearted sweet people and I am lucky to have them as in-laws. They help us out a lot! But really?!?! Showing up on our honeymoon?!?! Luckily we had dinner plans that night for a highly recommended sushi restaurant and I was so looking forward to it! But I was still pissed. I took a long shower and cried, how could they do this? This is our first vacations together, other then trips home for the holidays, and it was our honeymoon! I tried to push it aside, but after a few drinks and the hubby picking on me, which is normal we pick on each other all the time, but this was not the time, I walked out of the restaurant. That night we had a big fight and then a long talk. He admitted that he realized that he was putting his wants above mine and not considering mine as strongly as he should. He told me that he knew how long I had wanted this and that he had made me put my wants on hold for a long time. He was ready to stop using condoms. WHAT?!?! I was in disbelief! I knew I wasn't only upset about his parents showing up, but also because I had thought we'd be trying for a baby.  I was surprised and scared and happy! We finally went to bed cuddling and I was so looking forward to it! We had breakfast with his parents the next morning...went back to the resort to go to the pool, had a few beers and then decided to go up to the room instead of taking a walk on the beach ;). We went to happy hour at the resort restaurant and his parents ended up joining us, and after a few drinks (on our part, not theres) he told them we were no longer going to prevent from getting pregnant. WHAT?!?! Again, I was surprised. We hadn't talked about whether or not we'd share this news, I just guessed I assumed we would, at least for the first month or so. And let's just say his parents are a little older and we have never really talked about stuff like that with them. With my family we talk about pretty much everything, my mom is my best friend and she's knows that I was hoping we'd start trying on our honeymoon, but I did not expect him to be that open, with me sitting right there, with his parents! So of course later that night I had to text my mom and tell her!

A strange decision

When I was younger I always imagined that I'd be married with a kid or 2 by now. I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a wife and mommy. I was the little girl who took her doll everywhere with her, I wanted my "baby" to have real diapers and real baby clothes and forget about those toy bottles! I wanted real baby stuff for my babies! When I was 9 my oldest sister had my nephew and I was so excited! I had my own real baby to play with! Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era, I just don't get why some women want careers away from home, when my dream career is being a homemaker. Staying home to take care of the house, hubby and kids sounds like heaven to me! But I've come to realize that not every woman's dream is to be a stay at home mom, but that's mine! So, I figured I would find "the one", get married, go off birth control pills, and within the first year of marriage have our first baby. Too bad it's not quite that simple, well I guess it could be, but we'd struggle A LOT. I'm glad that my hubby is the planning type, and wants to make sure we are as ready as we can be when we make the decision to go from a family of 2 to a family of 3, but I just want a baby dammit! I mean isn't that what married people are supposed to do?! Heck, I would have started trying for a baby before we were even married if my hubby would have been willing! I have MAJOR baby fever and it doesn't help that EVERYONE seems to be having babies! 3 of my younger cousins have recently had babies, and a lot of old friends are already onto baby number 2. I want to be pregnant and have a baby more then anything and it's something that my hubby and I have had a fair share of arguments about. Its not that he doesn't want kids, he does, but with a level head on his shoulders, he wants to be more ready. He wants to buy a house first and make sure that we are financially able to support a baby. Which of course makes sense. But when you've been wanting to have a baby for as long as I have it's hard to be rational about it.

Today I made a strange decision, if you can call it that. There was no real thought process involved, it just sort of happened. Let me explain...a friend from jr high, who is an awesome blogger, got married and then got pregnant and thats what she blogged about. I enjoyed reading her blog and following along with her pregnancy and suddenly at 24 weeks she had to have an emergency c-section. Her baby girl is now 8 months old and doing amazing, but following her journey got me hooked on reading blogs. I somehow ended up reading a blog about a woman struggling with infertility. It took them close to 4 years to have a baby! Any they were married for close to 8 years by the time the had their baby.

Let me stop there for a moment, I have a confession to make, I am intensely afraid that getting pregnant isn't going to just happen as soon as we stop trying to prevent it from happening (I've felt this way for a long time, way before reading that blog). I have no reason to think this way and no idea where this fear came from. So when we got married I wanted to start trying RIGHT AWAY I didn't want to waste precious time. So of course with this fear I got hooked on reading these blogs about women struggling to get pregnant. Crying as I read about these women who have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. And through this I realized something, these couples have AMAZING relationships. Their journeys over time have strengthened them as couples. The deep understanding and support that can only come from time and struggles as a married couple. And I realized I have only been married for 6 MONTHS! We are newlyweds...we haven't even gone on our honeymoon yet! (we are going to Maui for 8 days at the end of this month)! I am still learning how to be the wife I want to be and he is still learning how to be the husband I need him to be. I want that deep understanding and support that comes with time. I want a baby more then anything, but first I want to enjoy being newlyweds! I want to spend time as just husband and wife. I want to build and strengthen our relationship. And I want to do this BEFORE we have a baby. Just a week ago I would have done anything to convince the hubby to start trying to get pregnant, or at least stop preventing it, when we go to maui. But now I want to wait, I'm thinking until our 1 year anniversary...that's less then 6 months away, but a week ago it felt like way to long to wait. We are newlyweds and I want to enjoy this time with my hubby. It doesn't mean I want a baby any less, in fact it makes me feel like we will be even better parents, because we gave ourselves a chance to have a stronger relationship with each other before bringing a baby into our lives. We will be better able to support each other through the ups and downs of parenthood. We will understand each other better. Although we've known each other for a long time, we were only together for 2 years before we got married, that's not very long. I know that he is going to be an amazing father and I cannot wait to see the look on his face the first time he sees our baby on the ultrasound screen, the first time he hears the heartbeat, the first time he puts his hand on my pregnant belly and feels the baby move, the first time he holds our baby. But right now I want to enjoy my husband. I want to enjoy being newlyweds. And I'm working on a list of things I want to do with him BEFORE we start trying to have a baby. I WANT to wait. And I'm strangely at peace with that. I'm sure I will have my moments of severe baby envy, like when the next friend/family member announces they are expecting...but then I will remind myself that we WILL have that soon enough...but why rush?!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

First post

So I started a blog awhile back when my now hubby and I moved from So Cal to New Mexico, mainly to keep family and friends back home updated about our lives. Well, lets just say I haven't been a very successful blogger! I quickly realized that blogging was a great way to vent, to rant, to rave, to put my thoughts down onto paper, technically onto screen I guess, I found it was a great way to sort out my thoughts and feelings, like a journal, pretty therapeutic to me! But I found that in was having to censor what I wrote and that just wasn't working for me. I need to put it all there and not worry about upsetting anyone, hurting feelings, or looking like a crazy person to my friends and family, because come on now, we all have our crazy moments! An old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook has a blog and I started following and then started to explore other blogs out there and let's just say I'm hooked. I'm in awe at how brutally honest some of the bloggers out there are and came across some where the bloggers remain anonymous, and something clicked, so here I am, starting another blog. And I just want to say that I am NOT going to censor myself, so be prepared for the good, the bad and ugly, because I'm learning that marriage and life as an adult living hundreds of miles away from "home" isn't always easy, but it's worth every moment!

A little background is in order. I'm 27 and my hubby is 26. We got married on July 16, 2010 and shortly after relocated to Salt Lake City, Utah for hubby's job. I love it hear, it's beautiful! But of course I do miss my friends and family in CA.

So this is our journey! Enjoy! I know I am!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad